Ok so birthdays – can we just not? What are we getting at with birthday parties, really? Celebrating the fact that we were born? Literally the least unique thing about us? That’s bunk, and I’m sick of it.

And, I mean, sure.That’s a narrow view of the tradition. Maybe it’s more like we’re taking an opportunity to celebrate each person’s uniqueness, and a convenient time to do that is on the day they were born (or close, for those February 29th weirdos). Maybe we can give birthday parties the benefit of the doubt, and say the concept represents the best of us. Of recognizing the special importance of every individual and what they contribute to our communities as we pass this time whirling through space. Maybe the premise of the birthday party is a beautiful thing.

But then if that’s the case what’s the deal with the fucking song? Can we stop that? Forever? If we can charitably assume that a birthday party is an honest celebration of the individual, then why do we revert back to the least creative tropes of celebration in the western canon?

Birthday parties were designed specifically to amuse three-year-olds, and yet we continue to have them inflicted upon us well into our 20s, 30s, and so on until we finally snap and push away those people who love us and would adore us for a day for the sake of never ever having to hear “and many more” sung again in whatever horrifying key that was supposed to be. And sheet cake? Leave it out on the counter overnight, I say, then send it the Peace Corps to build houses or something.

And what’s with the gift giving? Don’t we have enough shit? We’re the most prosperous nation in the history of the species (maybe)! We want for nothing (except healthcare, a living wage, food security, blah blah blah), and yet we celebrate uniqueness and individuality by grabbing something off a shelf and wrapping it in an old grocery bag so that it can be presented to the Guest of Honor to open publicly while we furtively compare how much we love that person against the other gifts at the table. This is what we’ve come up with.

But it doesn’t need to be like this. You never have to sit through another joyless, awkward, self-loathing hatchet job of that song again. You never have to feel the anxiety of picking just the right gift for your colleague, now, because s/he somehow learned your birthday and gave you a potted cactus at work and now you’re engaged in a decades-scale game of three-dimensional-birthday-Battleship. You never have to pretend to like sheet cake.

Because if the premise of a birthday celebration is to embrace our uniqueness and importance, shouldn’t the party be just that? One day a year where a person can do whatever they want, with no social consequences. Don’t want to answer the phone? Turn it off. Want to be alone? Go do your thing. Want a giant party where people cloy around you and shower you with gifts and sing songs? Great! Do that! Drop a hint or something, or just tell someone you want a party. That’s what that day is for!

But it’s time now to step away from the worst of industrialized Hallmark Holidays. To celebrate uniqueness, maybe ask a person what they’d like, or if they’d like anything at all. It’s their day, we’ve decided, so don’t throw shade. And if you really want to give them something special? Write ’em a card! See a gift that sings their name? Hell – get ’em a present any day of the year simply because you were thinking of them, not because of a transactional tradition for children. And together, if we really put our minds to it, we can put those sheet cake factories out of business for good.

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