Kit Kat is the Best Candy Bar

Candy is a mainstay of the American diet. In a country where nearly 40% of adults are obese and one in two have high blood pressure, this should probably not come as a surprise. We invented chicken fried steak. The tur-duck-en. We have whole festivals where thousands of people come together to figure out how to deep fry improbable things.

Weird fried food and LDL cholesterol are a perfect for special occasions. When the in-laws are coming over and you’re busting out the good china, fried chicken and waffles is really the only thing to serve. But mundane, banal, day-to-day nourishment? That’s a job for candy.

Breakfast? Taken care of. Lunch? Dad knows. Dinner? Please. There’s candy bar called Chicken Dinner. Forget Halloween and Valentine’s Day, candy isn’t just for holidays. It’s for every day. And when something is as ubiquitous as candy in America, we have no choice but to parse every intricacy, explore every nuance, in the pursuit of the best candy bar.

Here we have a candy bar based on a breakfast cereal based on a candy cup. I’m pretty sure this is what Jefferson had in mind.

Obviously the question of the best candy bar will incite partisan fury and outrageous name calling. Obviously there are differences in opinion. Obviously some of us posses disparate tastes. But some things are simply not subjective.

The Kit Kat is the best candy bar. Calm yourself.

There’s a lot of great candy out there; this is America after all. But we need to consider a few things in our pursuit of the best, and for starters, let’s review some of the contenders.

Snickers

A Snickers bar is tasty, sure. It’s got all the major food groups: sugar, protein, fat, and nougat, and belongs in every glove box and bug out bag. But the Snickers is so practical, so filling, so savory that it barely even counts as candy at all. It’s sustenance.

Snickers Derivatives

Namely, the Milky Way and the 3 Musketeers. The Milky Way suffers from the same caramel issues as Twix, and the 3 Musketeers is best reserved for a late snack after you remove your dentures. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll eat these things ’til the cows come home, but right now we’re discussing greatness.

Twix

Credit were credit is due – Twix is a helluva candy bar. It’s even in the running for the top step under ideal atmospheric conditions. As we search for the best we can’t confine ourselves to how chocolate fares at its best. Caramel-based snacks must be optimized for a fairly narrow temperature window (like snow tires). In the same way that Carmelo is delicious at 20 def F, Twix is best enjoyed at a civilized 68. Twix will break your teeth below freezing, and both of these wilt much above 70.

Mr. Goodbar

Let’s be serious.

 

Skor

Whoa there turbo. We’re talking about chocolate bars here. Skor is to candy as beluga caviar is to imitation crab. Apples and oranges. Let’s keep the eye on the prize.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

These things are close. So close. The peanut butter is a little powdery, the chocolate is a little too sweet, and they suffer at warm temperatures. It’s just not quite there. But the benefits of peanut butter and chocolate are so undeniable that the esoteric Peanut Butter Twix probably deserves an honorable mention, missing out on real prestige only by virtue of limited circulation and the capricious whims of whomever does the ordering at convenience stores.

But consider the Kit Kat. It’s chocolate. It’s a cookie. It excels under any combination of pressure and temperature commonly found where humans live. Even when unbearably hot, say, above 86 deg or so, the cookie latticework preserves the structural integrity of the bar. You actually get four candy bars in one package. It’s honest, simple, unpretentious (looking at you, Take 5). The Kit Kat is the hero America needs right now.

Kit Kat is simply the best. Disagreeing is like disagreeing with the Ideal Gas Law or Climate Change. You have every right to be wrong, just keep that muss off my damn porch. Leave the candy when you go.

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Frequently (un)Asked Questions

What’s so great about Game of Thrones, really?

What, exactly, are we so worried about with dogs in restaurants? Breweries? Bars?

What if I just walked there?

For how long did people think the platypus was a fake thing?

Why not me?

What if everyone did that?

What does grass taste like to a cow?

Is it the sisterbangin? It’s the sisterbangin, isn’t it.

Do I slurp my soup and just no one has called me out yet?

Do we really need fancy glasses to look at the sun for like half a second? Real quick?

Has the rapture already happened and then at the end of the day none of us were good enough?

Does this story need to be this long?

I know I shouldn’t eat this, right?

 

Flash Fiction (from a 4 year old)

Once upon a time 8 gummy bears and some bad guys. All the gummy bears had gummy berry juice. They bounced up to the water fall. It wasn’t going because it broke. They fixed the water fall but it broke again. They fixed it for good. The bad guys came and the pet ogre came. The gummy bears fought the bad guys and lived happily ever after.

The End. (2/6/1991)

 

Once upon a time the black Bat Man, the gold Bat Man and the blue Batman and Joker and Cat Women and Bat Woman. All the Batmen and Bat Women were enemies. They all got into a fight. King Kong came and took apart the Joker’s hideout.

The End. (2/13/91)

 

Once upon a time there lived a creaky old witch in a house that could walk. Joorpedo Man came, then Batman came, then Superman came, then Swamp Thing came, then Paper Man came, then Bull’s Eye came (he’s a police). They fighted that creaky old witch so good they blew up her house.

The End. (undated)

 

Once upon a time there lived 100 mountain lions, infinity more, and once they got in a big fight. The infinity is good; the 100 is bad. One of the 100 died. One of the infinity died. And 100 more infinity died. And then Joorpedo Man came. And he said, “the 100 win and the infinity lose” and then Joorpedo Man got into a fight with the next of the infinity.

Then Batman came.

The End. (undated)

 

 

Once upon a time there lived a bad ghost and a good ghost. 5 bats who were bad. 6 good bats. 7 more bad bats and 7 more good bats. All the bats got in a fight. After the fight all the bad bats died. Some sea turtles came. Sea Man came.

The End. (3/19/91)

 

Once upon a time there was a big lion, about as big as a giant. then a big giant, as small as a troll. A dinosaur killed the giant. The dinosaur killed the lion.

The End. (3/20/1991)

 

Once upon a time a whale was good. A bad shark came. They got into a fight. The sea police came to see what was the racket. The bad guy and the police were in their PJs. There went back to their homes. The shark died. The whale didn’t die. G.I. airplane and tank came.

The End. (3/12/1991)

Once upon a time there was a lion, a fox, a coyote and a wolf and a cheetah and a snake and a hunter. The hunter didn’t have any weapons.

The End. (Winter ’91)

 

Once upon a time there was a wicked old witch and a giant.

The End. (Winter ’91)

 

Once upon a time there was a giant, a little boy and  wicked old witch.

The End. (Winter ’91)

 

Once there was a king and a queen and a prince and a princess. A dragon fired their castle. The castle burnt down. The 5 knights tried to fight the dragon. They forgot their armour. The dragon won. They went to the castle and found out what happened. They they put the castle back together.

The End. (2/5/1991)

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Watch More Television

I’m not usually one to tell you what to do, but for right now I’ll make an exception. You should really watch more television.

And I know what you’re thinking. That’s so classless. Television? Please. You probably don’t even own a television. You prefer to bingewatch Veep while huddled over a tiny, smudged laptop screen.

See, TV spent the last few decades getting a bad rap that isn’t really deserved. In the 90s and 00s it was all filled with Jerry Springer and Judge Judy and whatever the hell Friends was. Court shows and paternity tests passed as entertainment. Laugh tracks ran unchecked. If you wanted to simply sit quietly and immerse yourself in artful writing and production you had to turn to the silver screen.

But now, see, television writing has emerged as our era’s choice for haute culture. From The Sopranos to The Wire, True Detective* to Bored to Death, television has emerged as a haven for screenwriters who care. The theater is where you go now to buy $25 popcorn and get shot at, or at least sneak in beers and think about how much more comfortable you would have been at home. You don’t have to wear pants at home.

Movie production budgets have gotten so obese that to break even the films themselves need to cater to the lowest possible denominator and we’re seeing a race to the bottom. It looks like this:

Television is picking up the slack and deserves our attention.

 

I mean, can’t we just get on with the book burning already and just turn on HBO? And actually, why can’t someone else burn the books for us? Is that just another Millennial being lazy? (tk new argument for open borders: inexpensive book burners. could it be automated?) Now that we can skip commercials I can’t really find the time to go out and stir the embers.

 

*the first season, anyway

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Preferred Communication: How to stay in touch

It used to be if you wanted to talk to someone you walked over there and talked to them, maybe over a woolly mammoth steak and our newly harnessed fire. Then after a while we started sending letters. Then the telegram, and the Candygram, and before long we had Tindr. What gives? It seems like everyone these days has their own preferred communication method, and they don’t always jive.

And so if you’ve tried to reach out to me only to find yourself without a response, I apologize first. And second, I implore you to consider my own preferred communication.

Coffee – Or a beer, or cocktail. Or a low key dinner. Not lunch. I still don’t know how to go to lunch, really. But yeah, let’s, like, hang out and shoot the breeze. Catch up. Have coffee. Let’s do it. Text me.

(Handwritten) Correspondence – It’s old timey and quaint, and anyone who tells you they don’t like getting a handwritten letter is a dirty rotten liar.

Radio – If you’ve got a radio, and I’ve got a radio, then hell yeah. I’d love to hear from you. That’s why we’ve both got radios! It’s like a spoken text message, or a phone call without all the horrifying small talk and pleasantries. You just get in, state your business, and resume silence. Just please stop saying “over.”

Text Message – These are pretty good, and there’s a reason that they’re basically killing meaningful connections between humans. You get to think about what you’re saying, and if you don’t feel like dealing with it you can always just pretend your phone was in the other room or something. But after a 6-text-conversation, shouldn’t we really just pick up the phone? And I’m pretty sure that when Sarte wrote “No Exit” he was actually talking about organizational group texts.

Bonus points for Signal.

Phone Call – There’s always a chance I’m going to not answer, and as long as you don’t leave a voicemail I’m comfortable with that.

Email – I’ll probably get this on my phone, and if it’s one of those long emails it’ll look even longer. My eyes will glaze over. I’ll make a point to read it later on the computer and get back to you. I may even do it.

The horror. The horror.
The horror. The horror.

GChat/Google Hangouts – Big time nostalgia on this one. It’s like the AIM of our youth but you can send pictures and stuff. GChat is great, especially if you find yourself in a job where you’re sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day.

(Printed) Correspondence – Pretty much reserved now for credit card offers and the IRS, but if your handwriting is bad, or something, go for it.

Facebook – Great for showering birthday wishes on people you knew from the old country.

Facebook Messenger – Facebook Messenger is technically better, than, say, a messenger pigeon. Yes I will see it eventually. Yes I will probably respond. But even then it will likely be to ask you to use a different medium. It does get props for introducing end-to-end encryption, though, which is one of those things we should probably be using these days.

Skype – I have Skype! I’ve used it! I don’t remember my password.

The Other Apps – WhatsApp, SnapChat, WeChat, KaKaoTalk, etc. I’m too old for those.

Twitter – I’m too young for that.

LinkedIn – I almost certainly have a notification from you waiting, but Congrats on the new gig, though.

Voicemail – Never. Never ever.

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