Shotgun

We are staying in an early 19th century shotgun house which, for New Orleans, is not an old building – last night we walked past a bar that has been open since 1770 or so – and it seems the shotgun was ahead of its time. There has always been an urban need to store vast quantities of poor people in a small and convenient space, and lacking the resources, the engineering, the geology to pile them into the cinder block prisons of the 20th century housing projects, early New Orleans developers came up with a kind of neatly stacked matchbox dwelling. A shotgun.

A shotgun is a kind of long, narrow row-house that served in this city’s industrial areas as low income housing for immigrants and destitute laborers. Small rooms are partitioned by sliding doors, and narrow floor plans preclude any kind of hallway. Each room is accessed by way of another. This leads the lines between personal and communal space to blur almost immediately, particularly in the high traffic areas adjacent to the front door, the kitchen, the restroom, et cetera.

Our lodging is about twelve feet wide and extends perhaps sixty feet back from the street. Downstairs are three living spaces and a kitchen, where a narrow staircase climbs steeply to two more bedrooms and a small bath. 

Tim, Gonzo, and I share a room which is perhaps twelve feet wide and sixteen deep. It has tall, ten or twelve foot ceilings, and is furnished sparsely with a decrepit futon and a wardrobe large enough for three or four jackets. The remains of a fireplace have been mortared over, and gaps between the door and the jamb permit gusts and rain to blow across the hardwood. Tim sleeps on the futon, I on the floor.

This space is separated vaguely from the next room, where mismatched chairs and a battered couch surround a cluttered coffee table. The couch is home to Liza, for whom it is at once a bed and a perch for crafting earrings and Christmas ornaments from stamped steel and brass and plastic beads. As far as I can tell she does not leave her perch for any reason except to use the restroom and, occasionally, to stew beets in the kitchen.

A person accustomed to northern winters may scoff at the notion of being cold in New Orleans, and of course Louisiana is mild during the Christmas season. Temperatures there rarely dip into the 40s and rain showers are calming, maritime affairs. It is a place completely unprepared for winter weather of any kind; if the specter of snow casts a shadow across the weather forecast the city more or less loses its mind. A chance of snow flurries on our third day in the city cancelled schools and drew warnings not to drive except for emergencies.

Even the rich houses are uninsulated, and in our humble shotgun holes in every door and window treatment welcome the outside climate in. This home is not so much as poorly insulated as it is only a meager shelter from the elements at all. A leaking roof has left a jagged scar of cracked and peeling plaster above Liza’s perch, and only a very recent drywall patch keeps the neighborhood pigeons from coming and going from the kitchen as they please.

This is all to say that the cold, rainy weather that joined us in New Orleans chilled me to my core, and that I did not always mind that the gas heater in this middle room runs at full throttle at all hours of the day. The central room is interminably, cloyingly warm. It reeks of incense and designer tobacco. The healthy cigarettes, I am told. Next to our spartan finishings the room feels at once cozy and cramped.

The room serves, aside from Liza’s abode, as what social common space the home can offer. The roommates are the wandering artist type. From Wisconsin or New Jersey or someplace, and work in kitchens or delivering pizzas by bicycle when not chasing gigs. Tim and I keep more or less banker’s hours – staggering bleary-eyed to work some time around 8, making our way home in the evening to recuperate and have a cigarette and mull over where to find dinner for the night. An hour or so before we returned from work, two of the roommates left to deliver pizzas and did not make it home until two or three in the morning.

Another roommate worked, nominally, in a vegan kitchen across town but could never be seen in any kind of cook’s outfit and generally seemed to be occupied beneath the hood of a rusted Jeep for any waking hour. The last girl was only seen once, as she fell during an aerial silks performance and broke her pelvis, and was rushed away someplace else to recover. And so the house never felt overcrowded, and someone always seemed happy to sit and smoke with Liza.

Beyond Liza’s domain, a cloth is draped across a narrow doorway to the kitchen. I cannot report on the kitchen. Since our arrival each horizontal surface there has been adorned by a precariously balanced tower of crusted dishes and scraps of food. The stairway climbs past a slapdash plaster patch intended to finally stunt the pigeons’ foray into the common space. On the second day in the house a rat (or other vermin) chewed a hole in the shower plumbing and the kitchen filled with dripping graywater.

Through the back of the kitchen is a doorway to another bedroom which, I presume, fits the mold of stacked 12’ cubes. I am still unsure of who exactly sleeps in which room, and to whom the other dogs purport to answer. The stairway climbs to a narrow hallway that runs the length of the building and allows the roommates to access the sole restroom without passing through either of the bedrooms upstairs.

I understand that this is not an unusual living situation for the starving artist set in urban Louisiana. It is communal living, forced by architectural circumstance. To reach the restroom, one must slide multiple sets of heavy oak doors and traverse the private lives of his roommates. More than once, Tim tells me, he’s tiptoed past a drunken tryst because he simply couldn’t hold his bladder any longer. It is a lifestyle that is not, perhaps, suitable to everyone.

Our month long tenure in the place has been welcomed with varying levels of enthusiasm. Guy, the patriarch here, welcomed us with open arms; as has Liza, from her perch, and Cory, who I have come to believe occupies the final first floor bedroom. The others seem somewhat less amused, and I suppose I can’t hold them at fault for it. Seven humans and three dogs is quite a lot for a small place.

The place is not without perks, of course. We live six blocks from the Christmas tree lot, four blocks from the restaurants and bars of Magazine Street, and a brief 100 yard shuffle from Parasol’s. It is a dog friendly neighborhood in a dog friendly city, and Gonzo is growing accustomed to joining us at work, at dinner, at the bar. We could use the kitchen if we pleased, and together we pay $350 a month, which for two men and a dog on short notice does not seem unfair.

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Lay of the Land

Southern Louisiana, and specifically the portions of New Orleans in the lowlying, poor neighborhoods, has an undeniably apocalyptic feel. This occurs through a conspiracy of influences, which pull together to create a city which feels as though it may be the last on earth (and never without charm).

It is an old city. Its narrow, cobbled streets have caressed the levees and the river for three hundred years. Cardinal directions are useless here. No street extends in a straight line for more than a quarter of a mile before it skews again to match the oxbow of the Mississippi, and Tim explains that “no one knows where the fuck north is. You go toward the river or away from it; up or down.” It is an unsettling sensation, coming from a neatly numbered grid of streets, to get tangled in a web of crooked avenues.

The landscape is absolutely flat, and without some familiarity with where the river lies, directional advice like “uptown” or “down from there” is wholly useless. The only ubiquitously visible landmarks in the city seem to be the super dome, where the Saints play, and a handful of abandoned skyscrapers in the business district. Even so, the streets wrap around them in a way that their arrangement against each other is essential to where you are, and navigating by landmark in New Orleans feels a bit like sailing by the stars.

This feels fitting, with the rich, maritime history of the place, and there are businesses here (bars, mostly) that are older than the United States. The narrows and corners of the city feel authentically aged, a departure from the amusement park styling of the historic boroughs of New England. The honest old age is compounded by the fact that this is not a particularly clean place. Litter piles in clogged street drains and the back corners of Parasol’s do not appear to have been cleaned in decades. Walking a dog through the French Quarter reveal that everything there is coated with a thin veneer of urine.

The bars here do not close at any mandated time, and music leaks from beneath the doors until the bartender stops making money and throws everyone out. Four a.m.? Five? Daybreak? Styrofoam to-go cups and takeaway food wrappers and shopping bags and cheap rain coats and all manners of plastic detritus fill the streets each night and in the very early mornings an army of sanitation staff emerges to primp and preen the tourist haunts as best they can to prepare Bourbon Street for another day of shopping and rum.

The squalor of New Orleans cannot be unique. When four hundred thousand people live stacked on top of each other a degree of mess cannot be avoided. But here the blowing debris and the sheer age of the buildings are compounded by the moisture. This is the third wettest city in the US. 65 inches of rain fall each year. Most of it comes during the late-summer hurricane season, but all year the air approaches saturation and the marshlands and swamps seem to be forever lapping at its fringes to reclaim the Crescent City.

Fog drifts across the streets on cool nights and every surface feels damp at all times. A moss or mold so deeply green that it is black creeps across park benches and law firms, sidewalks and police cars. Roofs leak and plaster swells and cracks. Porches sag on soft foundations and as a chilling kind of true ghost story, high water marks from Katrina still scar the poorer houses a decade later.

Katrina marks, undeniably, a transformative moment for the city. Like Lexington and Concord, or Pearl Harbor, or September 11, it was an irrecoverable moment in history that fundamentally shifted what the word normal can pretend to mean. Chris Rose dedicated his collection of essays to

“Thomas Coleman, a retired longshoreman, who died in his attic at 2214 St. Roch Avenue in New Orleans’ 8th Ward on or about August 29, 2005. He had a can of juice and a bedspread at his side when the waters rose. There were more than a thousand like him.”

Unlike an act of War, Katrina left a wake of devastation without an enemy to strike back against. You cannot bomb a culture of indifference. There are no surgical strikes against a warming climate or rising tides. No clandestine commando raid can undo 300 years of hubris. We can only lament the loss and cast blame wherever it can land – on the ones who died. The poor who could not or did not leave or had nowhere to go or had no idea how bad things could really be. Or the looters, left to fend for themselves as the inadequacy of our shared disaster relief played out on the evening news and the police started shooting.

When we talk about a post apocalyptic feel in the city, it is because these people have experience an apocalypse. And as pockets of the city grow back swaths are locked in decay. Poverty is inseparable from any honest discussion of life in New Orleans in the same way that it is inseparable from any honest discussion of life in America.

Take more than a few steps from the bustling muffaleta shops and coffee joints by the World War II museum and you will find rows of buildings with rough squares of OSB screwed across the windows. Mold grows along the bottoms where floodwaters carried lives away. Many have burned and sit as charred frames aside schoolyards and basketball practice.

I ask Tim what happened with the fires, whether it’s for the copper in the walls, or what. He shrugs. Maybe it’s the pipes and the wire. Maybe it’s insurance – almost no one was covered for flooding when the storm came and so fire is, for many, the only way to rebuild. And then maybe it’s just the same scourge of poverty that drives crime in the first place: boredom and hopelessness.

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It Doesn’t Matter that that Cyclist is a Jerk

You’ve seen it. You’re on your way to work, stuck in traffic (bumper to bumper, always), probably going to be late. So late you’ve got your coffee with you, and a breakfast sandwich, and you’re generally crawling your way to the office and checking in on Twitter, Snapchat, whatever. It’s taking forever. It’s the worst.

Then out of the corner of your eye is this dickhead. He’s on his bike, flying the wrong way through traffic. He’s got coffee in one hand and his phone in the other (Tindr, probably), and he’s gripping an Egg McMuffin between his teeth. He’s wearing headphones and dressed all in black and you’re lucky you even saw him at all.

What a jerk. You’d better not hit him.

Because when we climb into our cars in the morning we assume a position of power on the roadways; whether we think about it or not, by choosing* a car to get from Point A to Point B we assert control over the lives of others. A fatal collision between a motorist and a cyclist is always the fault of the motorist because they assume the responsibility of the vehicle when they get behind the wheel.

A drunk driver is responsible for their actions in spite of impaired decision making and reaction time because they made the decision to begin drinking and then drove. In the same way, a sober driver is morally culpable for harm they cause (even when the events that lead to that harm are beyond their control), by virtue of having left the house in a 6,000lb weapon in the first place.

We as Americans have a nasty habit of justifying the moral failings of those with power by pointing to the moral failings of those without. We do this when point to “riots” after unarmed black men are murdered by police, and again when those police are acquitted or never charged. We do this when we excuse the human rights violations by our allies in Gaza with valid criticism of Hamas policy, politics, and attacks. And we do this when we clamber to place blame on cyclists killed by the fashion accessories of the wealthy.

When we are presented with a choice (and if you are reading this driving is a choice) and elect a position of physical power we are responsible for the ramifications of wielding that power. When we reach for the keys, we should understand that if we are sitting still at a red light and are struck by a texting cyclist, we created the conditions of their injury by selecting a weapon for transportation. It’s on us.

Placing blame on the powerless to excuse our own laziness or vanity may be an American tradition, but it’s a bad look. Think about it before you leave the house.

*Philosophy students may raise an eyebrow at the use of the word “choice” here, which opens its own whole bag of worms. I’m comfortable with it here, but fire away, please!

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Notes From the Trip (so far)

Dollar for dollar, new wiper blades are the best investment you can make in having a better day. If poutine is on the menu, get the poutine. At least one, you know, for the table. Numbers bigger than about 10,000 are all pretty much the same.

It is possible to stop biting your finger nails by simply deciding to do so. Your flight attendant is more annoyed than you are. Maplewood smoked bacon is delicious, and maple syrup on bacon is underrated . Maple flavored bacon should be against the law. Fish don’t make great pets. You will not be remembered, eventually.

Someone needs to be in jail for this.

Fear of not having done something is not a great reason to do that thing, although it is a powerful one. There is no traditional gift-giving occasion for which bottle rockets are an inappropriate present. All pants should have a little spandex. And while we’re talking about pants you should just buy used clothes and have them tailored. If you don’t outlive at least a few dogs, you’re not doing so hot yourself.

But you still miss them.

The Coriolis effect gets more credit than it deserves. Prince > Michael (RIP). Flint, Michigan still does not have a municipal water supply. Laziness and anxiety are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and actually if we’re honest they probably almost always go hand in hand. Pig is the second best kind of fat. If it’s on the internet, and it’s free, you are not the customer. It’s ok to knock some things before you try them.

Most people are not good or bad or righteous or evil as much as they are really just incredibly bored, and the truest show of patriotism is to go abroad and be kind. Not making a decision is a decision. Happiness and contentment are easily conflated. It’s not really all that hard to build something valuable, but it’s wildly difficult to build something that remains valuable without your daily, fingers-to-the-bone, compulsive commitment to improving that valuable thing. Some people will not, cannot, tolerate even five minutes of silence.

The kids will be fine. Probably.

A handwritten letter means more today than it ever has. You could do worse; you can do better.

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Christmas Trees

In Louisiana, Christmas trees more or less sell themselves. This is a truth that stems, largely, from the fact that they don’t exactly grow here. The trees (Fraser Fir, mostly), are nourished for between five and fifteen years on a few acres in rural Wisconsin before they are cut down, bailed in twine, and shipped on flatbed trucks to the land of crocodiles and gumbo. Here they are priced at something like $25 per foot of height and stand for moments before they are snatched away and tied to the roof of a German SUV. This is the brief and coveted life of a Christmas Tree, out of place.

No manner of lackadaisical salesmanship can deter a sale. The Christmas Crew, as we’re known, openly drink beer as we guide patrons through the conifer forest, and I hope that the following excerpts will illuminate that even actively dissuading a patron cannot discourage a sale:


“That tree there? That’s more crooked that a politician!”


“How was the gig last night?”

“It was great, although I’m still rolling pretty good.”

“Like, rolling rolling?”

“Yeah, we ate some MDMA and it’s still on. I had to smoke a bunch of week this morning just to straighten out. If you need me for the next two hours I’ll be in the back watering trees.”


“This one doesn’t look very healthy.”

“Well it has been cut down, it’s certainly dead at this point.”


“Is watching other people pick out Christmas Trees the weirdest thing you do all year?”

“Sir, it’s not even the weirdest thing I’ve done today.”


In fact, it has been my experience that once a man sets foot on the lot with the intention of buying a tree, you must cause physical harm to his infant son in order to change his mind. This is not so much a position of sales as it is socializing with a goal, but of course not everything can be roses all the time.

There are three positions available, each more desirable than the next, and of course the best gig is to ride along on deliveries. We sit in the pickup truck and between coffees tour the lifestyles of New Orleans old money. Tips flow easily, and the other day we were fed pasta carbonara and a beer for lunch. The music is loud, the pace relaxed.

The lion’s share of work is done out on the lot. Patrons shoehorn imported sports cars into the small gravel parking lot and peruse the selection for a moment before selecting one. Our job, then is to lay the tree over, cut a fresh drinking surface from the base, bail it in fishnet, replace the stand if they would like one, and lash it to the roof of their car. We then replace the sold tree with a similar size from the pile, and repeat the process as necessary.

Between trees we are left to either sweep up or to feed, pet, or otherwise amuse the large collection of dogs, cats, goats, sheep, ducks, chickens, rabbits, imported (legally?) tortoise and unfriendly prairie dog that call the garden center home. It is not difficult work, but it needs to be done*.

Only one task on the lot is universally reviled – hanging lights. There is something to dressing a $500 Christmas Tree for a person known only as “Miss Diana” that cannot help but stir a populist rancor  in even the most rabid industrialist.

When quitting time rolls around we pool tips and share a beer and draw our pay in neatly folded twenty dollar bills. We fan out to scour the Crescent City for gumbo and oysters, or maybe head to see a little music, and prepare for another day of moving trees.

 

 

*Or does it?