With 98 days to go until the election [President, United States], it’s going to become very difficult to think or hear about much else over the next three months. We’ll be reminded continually that our lives are terrible (in case you forgot), that a man in a turban is definitely going to murder you some time in the next 36 hours, and that the only possible way to improve the economy looks a lot like the beginning of Ferngully.
And it’s all true. Especially about the economy. Just look at Texas, that shining example of how government regulation just stands in the way of unfettered economic prosperity for all [natural born, white] Americans. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you, what’s that about the oil market? Oh, shit. I meant Utah. Let’s look at Utah. It’s a shining example of . . .
There’s going to be a lot of back and forth, in this next quarter year, about the economy and how best to fix it. Many of you probably feel strongly about that conversation which is interesting because many of you probably don’t really understand it. I sure as hell don’t. And so I’m not going to spend these thousand words on getting into treasonous ideas like suggesting that sustainable energy production can avoid the boom/bust cycle that ravages rural America, or that the War on Drugs hasn’t actually failed at all because it was never about drugs in the first place, or that neo-conservative foreign policy over the last several decades can go a long way to explaining the whole “ISIS” thing, or that the strongest proxy for economic growth is investment in education and not lax regulations at all, or that (and stay with me here) one popular candidate didn’t know that Russia invaded Ukraine like a year and a half ago (and, like, let that last one sink in for a minute).
Instead I’d like to spend a few minutes discussing a different set of economic principles that are a bit more tangible for folks who’s biggest uncertainty in life is whether to go fishing or mountain biking this weekend.
Tenets of a Dirtbag Economy
On Beer – Beer is the common currency of a dirtbag economy. A six pack is legal tender for early rides to the airport, borrowing a trad rack, or putting a huge core shot in your roommate’s brand new DPS Wailers. But remember that not all beer is created equal.
There are two suitable avenues for beer-as-remuneration. You may purchase semi-ironic macro produced swill (Pabst, Hamm’s, Schlitz), or you may support a local brewery. Here in Montana, it would be considered bad form to show up with a case of Sierra Nevada or New Belgium. Those guys make fine beer, sure, but keep it local, yokel.
The Growler Problem: A growler is the worst way to transport beer (except for maybe in your cupped hands). A growler goes flat in like 4 hours and is a half inch too tall for every refrigerator shelf. On the bright side, a growler encourages revelry on delivery and so it’s a great way to drink a portion of the gift.
Depreciable Assets – Skiing powder is about the best thing a human being can do. Now, I’ve never skydived from space, or received total consciousness or anything, but I’ve seen some shit and skiing pow is at the top of the list. And it’s well documented that you cannot ski powder without this year’s skis, so you’re going to need to unload those sticks from last season.
Of course everyone trying to sell their skis every year creates a market surplus, which combined with the fact that no one wants your clapped out shit, leads to 80% or more depreciation of skis in the first year. You thought motorhomes lose their value fast? Try selling a pair of Soul 7s with last year’s topsheet art.
A similar phenomenon exists with mountain bikes, stand up paddleboards, and devil sticks, but nothing depreciates like skis. Of course everything depreciates, so we can’t that bent out of shape if the curve is a bit steeper for the best toys.
The Toyota Paradox – Everything depreciates except, by definition, investments. And to hell with gold and Apple stock, I’ve never seen a better investment than an old Toyota. I have a friend who bought a Toyota Tacoma, drove the shit out of it for four years, and then sold it for a profit. That’s a true story. No blogger creative license necessary. And that wasn’t even a classic.
You know that the pre-’86s had a solid front axle, right? That’s so sick for four wheeling and for looking rad in the Whole Foods parking lot. The 22re engine is well documented to run for infinity miles. All you have to do is change the oil and I heard you don’t even have to do that. Seriously. Look it up. It’s on Expedition Portal’s Instagram.
As a dirtbag economics certified financial adviser I recommend that you cash in your 401k immediately and go buy this truck (this deal won’t last long).
This extends to pre-1992 Volkswagen vans, bonus points for a Westy. If you have a Syncro just retire now.
The Nalgene Proletariat – You have never purchased a Nalgene bottle. You are incredulous, but it’s true. It’s just not how dirtbag economics work. You can’t, like, own, a Nalgene bottle, man. What you really purchased was a share in a global Nalgene bottle co-op. They come, they go, we don’t get all teary eyed about it. It’s beautiful.
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