Fashion Trends from the 80s (that we don't need back)

“Those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat themselves.” – George Santayana

It is a truth so banal it needn’t be said: what once was old is new again, and this is never as true as in fashion. As history churns through its paces we see the same styles, motifs and cues cycle through every couple of decades, and moments after we laugh at how ridiculous we looked, we clamber again to refill our closets with the newest retro flare.

We cut lightening bolts into our hair and wear huge sunglasses and the width of men’s lapels against time is marked by the tidy signature of a sine. We are doomed to repeat ourselves, I know, but for once I ask that we get together, learn from our missteps, and not revisit the dark ages.

There is no decade more depraved of class, more blind to culture and devoid of sophistication than the 1980s. Here, today, only thirty years later we are careening toward the same end.

And so I ask all of us, collectively, please let’s not slip back to the doomed fashion trends of the 80s. It was a dark time then, and today we need light. At the very least I’ve picked out a few of the worst of those trends, with the hope that we might avoid them.

Fashion Trends of the 80s

(that we don’t need back)

Acid Wash Jeans – Gawd they’re awful. Those spider webs of bleach and blue belong on the inside of a bowling ball and nowhere else (least of all snugged tightly around your nether regions). Before is was co-opted to sell $300 axes to the urban loggers of Williamsburg, our generation really did mean to live sustainably. To build things to last. To decrease our footprint and live simply, so that others may simply live. Buying pants that started their lives soaking in solvent is a step in the wrong direction. Let’s quit it.

Pre-Distressed Clothing – And while we’re at it, pre-distressed clothing all together. Back when I grew up you had two options for getting holes in your pants: you could earn them by playing in the dirt or fixing machinery or something, or you could spend a bunch of money and get holes in the knees straight from the store. God that was stupid. Do we have to do this again?

Mullets – Sure, if you’ve got a school picture or a family reunion or you’re officiating a wedding or something, then yeah, cut a mullet. It’s great for a few days or a special occasion, but definitely not something you should stick with.

Putting Bombs in the Mail – I really thought we got this out of our system with Kaczynski. We really don’t need to go back down this road, and honestly you’re kind of derivative. Just quit it.

Sit-Com Laugh Tracks – If the joke was funny we would have laughed. We don’t need help from overbearing television producers, and the sit-com laugh track is hands down one of the most damaging, and long lasting assaults from 1980s pop-culture.

The War on Drugs – If you thought it was racist, ineffective propaganda back in the 80s, hot damn wait ’til you see what we’ve got now! We’re adding the death penalty! Just the other day I was thinking, “You know what? I wish our government functioned a lot more like the Philippines. Nothing says ‘functioning democracy’ like extrajudicial police killings and murdering autocrats!*” The War on Drugs worked really well for suppressing communities by race and bankrolling private prisons, but for stinting drug abuse in the US? Not even close. Let’s try something new.

Super Poofy Vests – You know, like Marty McFly. We’re getting dangerously close with the whole “down sweater” movement. Let’s keep an eye on it.

All Neon Everything – We can file this with mullets. Sure, there’s a place for neon, like riding your bike at dusk and your favorite niece’s Bat Mitzvah. But let’s take it easy, ok?

The Entire Plot of 1984 – Guys that was a novel, ok? Fiction. Let’s keep it that way.

Members Only Jackets – Don’t start.

A Nuclear Precipice – The Baby Boomers grew up will school drills for how to survive a nuclear attack; they were rightly afraid that All This might end with a bright flash and a warm breeze at any moment. But today most students are so busy learning how to survive a massacre that they have no idea that they should crawl under a desk to survive a nuclear strike. Kids these days, right? They’re totally unprepared for a nuclear holocaust. So for the sake of the kids, let’s try to stay away from nuclear brinksmanship, ok? It’s tacky.

*this is actually not true I did not have this thought