Author: TheGentlemanAtLarge

Crowdfunding

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

So I guess we’re crowdfunding now? You know crowdfunding, right? It’s that thing on the internet where you can sell people too-good-to-be-true concepts before you figure out how to build them and then instead of figuring out how to build them just keep all that money, and get people to pay for your vacation, and, in fairness, find some pretty sweet grassroots manufacturing projects. If you’re younger than about 40, you’ve probably seen a peer crippled by medical bills and resort to crowdfunding to simply live.

This is literally a tinfoil hat.

Crowdfunding really has a head of steam right now, and for good reason. If enough people chip in just a little bit, you really can accomplish a lot. Just ask the US Forest Service and the National Forest Foundation, who are jump starting a CrowdRise campaign to start chipping away at critical maintenance backlogs on hundreds of thousands of miles of trails in the US.

“It’s an ambitious goal,” they say, “but with your help, we can make a real difference for our trails in 2018. For just the price of a post-hike beer or bottle of Gatorade, you can help us reach our goal.” Together, they say, we can leverage a $500,000 match from the Forest Service to put a million dollars into trails and deferred maintenance. It only costs a couple bucks, and the returns are immeasurable. Can you really put a price on spending time with friends and loved ones surrounded by nature?

Well, maybe.

Right now the USFS trails program suffers from $300 million in deferred maintenance and backlogs. Only 25% of system trails are up to spec. A $500k crowdfunding effort is a drop in the bucket; a bake sale. This is a joke, and not a very good one.

But the concept isn’t all bad. Crowdfunding, right? Everyone can chip in a little bit and we all see massive gains? If only there was a system for this nationally. Like, everyone in the country throws in a few bucks and we all get to benefit from the things we all need and use, but that none of us individually can afford. Like trails. And roads. And healthcare. Shit like that.

I hear the dissenting voices now. Taxation is theft! I can barely afford to live as it is! Why should people in Boston pay for trails in Montana they’ll never use!? And that’s almost fair, partially. Except that taxation is definitely not theft. And so-called tax relief hasn’t really helped you at all. And there’s lots of things we pay for and don’t personally use. That’s how taxes work. I pay for roads in New York every time I buy a tank of gas, and I’m happy to do it. (I could use less of murdering Yemeni children, but I still pay for it).

The idea that infrastructure and civil services should resort to panhandling while our secret police see billion dollar budget increases and the richest people on earth get tax relief is criminal. The solution to infrastructure and land stewardship begins with recognition that these values are central to what it means to be an American, and recreation on these lands drives western economies. Less with the baby stealing; more granola. That’s what I say.

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So Much for Moral High Ground

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Hi, I’m new here, or anyway I haven’t been around that long. I just wanted to stop in, introduce myself, and maybe start up a dialogue about, you know, not ruining everything, for a while, anyway. If that’s cool?

It’s just that I remember reading, back in the old days, about how we Americans were pretty great. We won World War One and World War Two! Remember that shit? It was wild. Humanity faced an unprecedented evil in the Nazi empire and Europe couldn’t do shit about it. Who stopped that mess? America. Fuck yeah.

And we, like, rode that for a while. We couldn’t pay for a drink if we tried, remember? It was sweet. The planet even overlooked that whole thing where we murdered 250,000 civilians with nuclear bombs. We couldn’t get away with that anymore (right?). But then anymore it sort of feels like we’re resting on our laurels a bit, aren’t we?

Sure, we liberated the concentration camps in Germany, and that was rad. Mad credit, really. But now we’re just stocking our own concentration camps with the stolen children of refugees? What the shit is that? And what’s our end game there, anyway? Is this one of those things where we take all those kids and give them to good Christian families with impotent men? Isn’t that just The Handmaid’s Tale?

I mean look. Let’s be honest. We don’t have a great track record in Latin America. We’ve done a lot – a lot – of overthrowing democratically elected governments there in support of our trade interests. But folks pretty much looked the other way because of the whole Nazi thing. And I’ll say it again, beating the Nazis at war was badass. Nice job team.

But then now we’re in this sticky spot, you know? Our position in the world for the last, what, like 80 years has been built on this resume of killing a lot of Nazis, and here we are in 2018 electing fucking Nazis in state-level elections. At at the national level, in the White House, we have Nazi sympathizers literally filling concentration camps that are more brutal, more cruel, than the last time we concentrated ethnic minorities into encampments without due process.

This will not be news to non-Americans, but guys we’ve kind of used up our goodwill. It’s sort of like if your roommate borrows your car once, and when you get it back not only is the tank full, but it’s been detailed. Sweet! Good on your roommate. But then you find out that over the next year he’s been taking your car without asking. And returning it dirty. Without gas. And racking up parking tickets. And using it to rob liquor stores. And commit hit-and-runs on cyclists. Suddenly that one time you got it back clean doesn’t really carry quite as much weight, you know?

That’s sort of where the US is these days: the shitty roommate who has long worn out his welcome. That’s not to say there’s no coming back from this. But maybe let’s quit it out with the fascism, right? And jingoism? The xenophobia? It’s not a good look. People are staring.

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Rules of the Road

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Summer is fully upon us, now, which means it’s time to hit the road. Since its unofficial start this past Memorial Day, Americans coast to coast have begun taking to our highways in droves. Yes, it’s the season of the greatest American tradition: the road trip*.

But before you throw the kids, dogs, and lawn furniture in the Sportsmobile and hit the road, there’s a few things to keep in mind. The rules of the road aren’t all that complicated, but to avoid creating a dangerous situation or inconveniencing your fellow Americans there are a few things you should get in the habit of.
The Left Lane – Your fellow travelers know that left lane etiquette is about much more than highway convenience. It’s the basis of a political philosophy. Get yourself on the right side of history.

Sitting Shotgun Does Not Make You a Passenger – Sure, you’re not driving, but you still have a job to do. You are the navigator/DJ/caterer, and you are essential to a successful road trip. When you stop, the driver pumps gas and shotgun cleans the windshield. You are welcome to sleep but only if the driver is not sleepy. If you are both sleepy, it is your job to feed the driver coffee drinks and tell jokes. The road trip cannot happen without your help.


Watch for Failing Bridges – We are the richest, most prosperous country on earth. That’s why our roads, bridges, and infrastructure are flawlessly maintained and safe. Just kidding. They’re not. At all. We blew it. So any time you’re crossing a river or railroad tracks, be sure to have an exit strategy for if the road crumbles beneath you.

Distracted Driving – Remember, texting and driving kills. You should never do it. If you need to screw with a computer while you’re driving, make sure that that computer is a part of your dashboard. That way it’s safe to program a navigation system, answer voicemails, and pick a radio station. Using a computer while you drive is only dangerous if that computer is not a part of your car.

The 10% Rule – Every speed limit can legally ethically be exceeded by 10% but after that that’s it no more speeding.

Take What’s Yours – It’s your road. You paid for it, remember. With your taxes. So everyone else can fuck off. It’s your road, and your road trip, and your vacation. Never forget that. Take what’s yours. Whether you’re at a four way stop and you and the other guy got there at the same time, or your at a roundabout and you’re not exactly sure how they work, or you’re merging lanes on the highway – you can never go wrong by just punching the throttle and getting in there. Distracted driving is against the law, after all, so other motorists will highly alert and ready to adapt to your maneuvers.

Cruise Control – It is impossible to maintain a consistent without cruise control, so you should use it at any and every opportunity. Whether you’re rolling right along at 88mph, or crawling through the main drag at 26, cruise control is the tool for the job.

Plan for Media – Your summer adventure rig is only as practical as it is cool looking on Instagram. Does your milsurp MRAP get 1/3 of a mile per gallon? Who cares!? You can beat the crowds and, like, get off the beaten path. Sure, your perfectly restored 1964 mini-bus will crumple and drive your patellas into your pelvis if you hit so much as a skunk, but hot damn are you going to get likes on that picture of where you’re parked by that redwood and practicing some archaic campcraft.

*except for overthrowing democratically elected governments to benefit US trade interests, obvi

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Stress Relief

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

In spite of the tantalizing promise that soon computers will do all of our work and we humans will while away our time here on earth in a state of comfort and leisure, we, today, in this Brave New World still find ourselves with things that need doing and the stresses they bring.

No, ladies and gentlemen, our lot in this life is not to loft in repose and await our judgement. In spite of such time-saving contrivances as “dishwashers” and “automobiles” and “email,” we still spend 40, 50, 60 hours a week setting things up and then knocking them down.

And it’s stressful, sometimes, committing to things and then following through on them. And so I have compiled, dear reader, a few tips from my vault of stress relief techniques to assist you in your journey on this earth.

If and when you are feeling stressed out, try any of these out! They have always worked for me, although your mileage may vary.

  • Perpetrate a crime against your Internet Service Provider. They almost certainly have it coming, and it will make you feel better.
  • Adopt a puppy. All evidence shows that welcoming a pet into your life can only reduce or eliminate stress.

  • Make a habit of relying on reliably unreliable people. This way when you are let down you will not be disappointed. You will be hardened against it.
  • Throw a party. Surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones is a sure bet for stress relief. Don’t forget the in-laws!
  • Find a good rabbit hole on YouTube. You will be able to forget all of your woes for the 10 hours it will take you to stop looking at FailBlog compilation videos.
  • Get really, really drunk. What could go wrong?
  • Consider a little perspective. We are a handful of ape-humans hurdling through an infinite universe and carry the burden of being self-aware for the blink of an eye in a naturally absurd world. Your problems do not matter, cosmically. Your joys and sorrows are irrelevant against the fabric of time and space. Everything you hold dear, everyone you love, will very shortly be dead and forgotten – nothing you create is durable at any honest scale. The sum of human experience is a blip in the cosmos, and will be long gone nearly before it began. Feel better?
  • If that doesn’t work I guess you can always try the be-all, end-all of stress relief: just cancel something at the last minute. It feels so, so good.

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