Author: TheGentlemanAtLarge

Cheesy Allegories (From France)

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Skiing uphill takes a long time, even when a gondola does most of the work. It gives you an opportunity to look around. To take it all in. To think about stuff that you usually wouldn’t think about, because you’re usually up to something more productive than slowly walking uphill just to come right back down again.

Sometimes you think about little things like how your boots don’t fit, or the the differences in French and Italian espresso, or how high 4,000 meters is in American and whether that has anything to do with why you’re so tired. But then other times you’re just kind of in awe of the mountains around you and that makes you feel small, and that makes you think about bigger things. And so here we have:

Cheesy Allegories (from France)

  • Ignore Everyone Else – It’s like a ski partner said once: “Ignore everyone else out here. They’re just a bunch of assholes trying to kill you.” It’s not necessarily that they’re bad people, but a lot of them are just out of their element. And when they’re setting skintracks in dangerous places, or kicking rocks on your head, or skiing way too fast for anyone’s good, they’re definitely trying to kill you, whether they know it or not.

    DSC09881
    Here we have someone speedflying through a sea of English tourists. Seems legit.

    The same goes for real life. Sure, outside of texting motorists most people won’t go out of their way kill you, but they’re definitely not worried about not killing you. And it extends to everything from business to waiting in the ice cream line. You do you, and think critically about where you’re going and the best way to get there. Who knows what all those other people out there are even up to, anyway?

  • Don’t Waste Your Weather Window – It turns out it’s pretty easy to burn a few days sipping coffee, booking lodging, and comparing foreign McDonald’s to home. When you touch down for two weeks and you’re graced with warm, sunny days and freezing, starry nights, it’s hard to imagine that changing. “High pressure is stable! We’ll get the lay of the land today, ski that stuff tomorrow!”But then a storm rolls in and you’re stuck in town, forced to choke down espresso drinks and anise liqueur and strange cheeses. You blew it. Ski when it’s time to ski, screw off when it’s time to screw off*. It’s easy to think that you’ve got more time than you do, whether you’re trying to ski corn, write that screenplay, or make all that money in the stock market.
    If you don't go skiing when you're supposed to but go later on instead it looks like this.
    If you don’t go skiing when you’re supposed to but then go later on instead it sometimes looks like this.

    Chances are, the best you can probably rely on is about 30 more winters of skiing hard, and that’s assuming you don’t get pasted later on this week by some distracted driver. How many places do you want to ski? Are you going to make it?

  • Know What You Want To Ski – Of course the other way to blow a weather window (or your irreplaceable youth, in case I’m not laying it on thick enough), is not having any idea what you want to ski. While just showing up and picking ski lines from a terrace while you sip espresso does, actually, kind of work in Chamonix, it’s not a great plan for getting the most out of a short trip. Maybe do a little research before you get on the plane.

    And it’d be silly to seize the day and get to work on that novel you’ve been rolling around in your head if you have absolutely zero interest in writing a novel. The idea that we each have a linear path to happiness is kind of ridiculous, at some level most of us are kind of just bumbling our way through life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an idea of what you’d like to get mixed up in. You might only have 30 good winters left in your knees, but that doesn’t mean you’re dead yet and it’s not too late to pivot. What are you doing with yourself, anyway? Do you actually like it?

  • If You’re Going To Screw Off, Enjoy It – Sometimes you miss weather windows. Other times you get off a plane in Guatemala City and your only plan is to hope that some guy who’s name you don’t know and whom you cannot contact will pick you up from baggage claim before you get murdered. That’s fine too! Know when you’re beat (or when you blew it), and just let it ride.Good weather in Chamonix is for skiing objectives, but sometimes it doesn’t come together. If that means you’re sipping espresso while you should definitely be skiing, then, well, shit. Roll a cigarette while you’re at it. If it means you got laid off from work, maybe take those unemployment checks and go to Canada. Or Mexico. Read a long book, drop into a steep line, and remember that skiing isn’t so different from life.
  • Not Everyone Likes Hawaiian Music – Ok so this one is not one of the cheesy allegories. This is just the hard, straight, truth. As much as you and I know that the soothing vocals and hypnotizing ukulele of Isreal Kamakawiwo’ole is, like, real fucking relaxing, not everyone will always see it that way. Don’t ask me how I know. You’ve been warned.

 

 

*This logic built on the premise that skiing is somehow different from screwing off.

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Is Chamonix the Best? Point, Counterpoint.

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 1 Comment

“I just love it here,” he said. “It’s the best.” He blew cigarette smoke through both nostrils, and went on about baguettes in an accent from somewhere in the south of London. He and his mates ordered another round of pints and struggled to coax ill-fitting rental skis into the hotel lift. The English, it seems, have discovered Chamonix and paved the way for Anglophones to come.

And they’re not wrong. There’s something pretty special about the ‘ol French Alps. But the best? I’m not so sure. And so I present a brief point/counterpoint for how great this place really is.

Food

Point – It’s real good. Cheese. Meats. Wine. All of it. France is the birthplace of haute cuisine, and it sings in the High Savoie. We’re tucked in a valley at the confluence of France, Italy, and Switzerland; on the same block you can eat pizza, fondue, and tartiflette. Baguettes are 80 cents, espresso flows like water, and the cheese actually tastes like cheese.

Counterpoint – Mexican food is hard to come by. Sometimes you really need a taco. There are no tacos here.

DSC00319
The only thing better than coffee and tarts at the top of a tram and the base of Mont Blanc? I guess coffee and tacos . . .

Point – Tipping for service is not customary. It’s simple, easy, and civilized, and makes for a casual, laid back dining experience.

Counterpoint – You may not see your server for hours, and there’s a real chance they’ll be smoking a cigarette when your food comes out.

Skiing

Point – Chamonix is the patron city of ski mountaineering and modern alpinism. $25 sends you from the valley floor to a big ‘ol glacier at 9,000’. A 20 minute traverse leads you back to a midmountain lodge with beer on tap and live music. The access is unparalleled and the ski lines are very, very real. It’s Disneyland for grown ups, a paradise of pucker.

Counterpoint – “Backcountry” isn’t really the word for whatever it is that’s going on here. There’s groomers on the front side and the Mont Blanc Massif on the back side – terrain that would take a long ride in a bush plane to find in Alaska. But here there’s moguls on the glacier, tracks on every line, and hundreds of people around. Helicopters buzz overhead all day and you don’t need to worry about getting lonely out there. Someone knocking sluff on your head? That’s a different thing.

DSC09834
“slackcountry”

The English

Point – Chamonix is an international town. You hear French, Italian, Chinese, English, Romanian, etc. on any given street.

Counterpoint – It’s full of British people and they walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk and it really does mess everything up for the rest of us.

Point – In spite of its popularity with the English, not everyone here speaks English. Sometimes what you think you ordered is not what you ordered.

Counterpoint – Because of its popularity with the English, everyone here hates the English. It’s nice not being English.

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Jetlag: Possible solutions for the hobby traveler

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

I believe that by now it may already be tomorrow, but I can’t be sure. The airplane shades are drawn and I’ve been watching movies for hours. I don’t think we’ll land much before we left, but I do wonder if I can manage to stay awake until yesterday.

Jetlag, I guess, is a way for the universe to punish us for moving too quickly. If we just walked and paddled to Europe our circadian status quo would stay very much in-whack, and we’d probably sleep pretty well at night. That sounds like a long way to walk.

Instead we spend a few hours in the air, teleport halfway around the world, and spend a week trying to remember which way is up. It’s not a new phenomenon, and it’s not like we don’t have options. Everyone’s got their own fool proof home remedy for staying sharp when you skip a few time zones, and here at The Gentleman at Large, we’ve had the opportunity to test a few of them over the years.

Let’s have a look.

The Prophylaxis– It’s the old “get-on-the-timezone-of-the-place-you’re-headed-a-week-early” trick. This well-meaning but essentially useless advice is one of the oldest. “Sure,” they say. “Just start going to bed at noon the week before you fly to Paris. That way you can have a full and energetic day at the Louvre.” What? Instead of working? Or I mean nevermind work have you ever tried to just go to bed at noon? This doesn’t make any sense. Don’t waste your time or your lunch break.

The Happy Fool – This one is out. If there’s one thing we learned in college, it’s that you should never nap in public. This goes for sleeping on planes, too. And sitting all upright? Drooling on yourself? Your back all contorted? It’s as undignified as running in dress shoes. Avoid it. Order a coffee. Grit your teeth. Take advantage of all the free movies they have these days!

The Cannonball Run – I’m working on this one right now. Especially when travelling east, just stay up. This travel day will end around 6pm, and I’ll have been up, if this works, for about 30 hours. I should be able to check in, zonk out, and be ready to roll tomorrow morning, right? Drink lots of coffee, watch lots of movies, and play pranks on all those fools who didn’t get the memo about sleeping in public. Just now I tied four sets of shoelaces together!

The Pill Popper – I have a feeling this is how international business and diplomacy gets done. Pop an Ambien when you take off and a Provigil when it’s time to get going again. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Just be sure that you don’t have any tricky tight connections with the Ambien Groggies, or you’ll probably miss your flight.

The Nightowl – It’s the only real solution. Plan on being jetlagged. Much of southern Europe and Latin America have nightowl cultures. Worried about jetlag? Just head to Spain! I once spent a week in Barcelona and saw daylight for like four hours. Alternatively, bring a long book, Tolstoy or something, and plan on getting some late-night reading done. Worried about missing out on everything while you’re a jetlag zombie? Plan a longer trip!

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Sports Fans, amiright?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

They’re all a bunch of hypocrites.

Clinton’s emails were a deal breaker, but Pence’s? No big deal. Her handling of the attacks on the American embassy in Libya were criminally negligent, but sloppy Special Forces work in Yemen is just business as usual.

We needed to get to the bottom of whether or not President Obama was really born in the US (a scandal!), but foreign tampering with a presidential election here is all a bunch of bunk.

President Bush was a war criminal, sure, but Obama’s clandestine drone war (that killed more than 800 civilians in at least 3 countries) was just good sense.

Then there’s the whole culture of Congressional discord where it sure feels like an elected representative’s only job these days is to keep the other guy from from getting anything done. Collaboration is for chumps! Even when both sides of the aisle take turns proposing, say, a carbon tax to shape energy policy, or suggest a wholly qualified Supreme Court nominee.

You know it’s almost as though those other guys, the ones across the aisle there? Your neighbor with the different colored campaign sign in her yard? That crazy uncle who always manages to corner you at Thanksgiving? It’s almost like they’re a bunch of low down, rotten, no-good-for-nuthin Cardinals fans.

sportsfans
Obviously a Jill Stein voter.

Politics in America today are at an impasse because political affiliation is less about policy than it is about identity. Small government Republicans should balk at Trump’s use of Executive Orders. First and Second Amendment Constitutionalists both pretend that their values are based on our founding principles, but limitations to a free press and limitations to a right to bear arms are protested by very different sets. And we’re as likely to change our crazy uncle’s mind about immigration policy with reason and discourse as we are to convince him that Mark McGuire is a rat fink.

Political identity is a cultural heirloom, based more solidly in social values than wonky policy debate and passed between generations. The blind political intransigence that we see today more closely resembles sports-fan zeal than a real interest in the issues. Civil discourse has broken down, and you’re as likely to change their mind on healthcare reform as you are to talk them out of being a Cubs fan.

The thing is, you’re probably wrong. You’re probably not wrong about everything, and yeah, that guy you’re arguing with on Facebook is definitely an asshole, but you’re wrong about something. That’s ok. Policy is hella complicated, and none of us understand it as well as we think we do, but two people reciting talking points from their preferred news source does not constitute debate.

So what are you wrong about? Admitting that Sammy Sosa was a roided out cheater doesn’t make you a bad Cubs fan, it makes you open to reason and evidence. Admitting that Trump’s travel ban or Obama’s drone operations are misguided doesn’t make you a traitor to your convictions, it makes you open minded, and that’s what we need right now.

So what are you wrong about?

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What is American Food?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Food is the best, isn’t it? I could eat every day and never get sick of it, which is great because there really are a lot of options out there. Yesterday I had sushi for lunch and saag paneer for dinner. For breakfast today I think maybe I’ll have huevos rancheros, and then tonight? Boom! Tonight is paella night.

Here we are – we live in a world where we can have Japanese, Indian, Mexican, and Spanish meals in a 36 hour span. We are worldly people in a globalized economy. Who even has time to eat American food anymore?

Wait. What is American food?

Excepting, out of good taste, esoteric curiosities like cream-of-mushroom hot dish and Jello salad, there isn’t really a uniquely American cuisine. What we think of as “American” foods are either culinary heirlooms like hamburgers, hot dogs, and french fries, or so banal as to be ubiquitous. Try chasing the true heritage of the grilled cheese sandwich.

Of course immigrant communities have been making do here for three hundred years, and that’s kind of American. Cioppino is, I suppose, technically American: it grew in the Italian fish mongering communities of San Francisco. Pizza is also essentially Italian, but a street vendor in Naples wouldn’t recognize a slice of Chicago deep dish.

The closest we come to truly American cuisine is in the Mississippi River Delta. Creole food is a triumph of innovation, applying French techniques to slave-trade flavors. The subtle, centuries old, provenance-based distinctions between Creole and Cajun foods further endorse Louisiana cuisine as the standard bearer for an America that still refuses to come to grips with its slaver’s heritage.

American food.
American food.

But even without putting our finger on a single dish that typifies American food, there are trends that stand out. Food in this country reflects the diversity of our past, sure, but national boundaries have been porous to ingredients and techniques for a lot longer than we’ve been around. The tomato is native to Bolivia and Peru, but it’s hard to imagine Italian food without it. Pretty much everyone came up with booze.

Really, when we think of American food, we think less of specific dishes than we do the brands that sell them. What’s more American than McDonald’s? Our contribution to the culinary lexicon has, in general, not been a new dish or flavor profile, but the industrialization of the foodmaking process.

Hamburgers are not American, but McDonald’s sure is. Pizza is not American, but Domino’s is. I can’t be sure about P.F. Chang’s, but I don’t think it’s Chinese. The real American food? Texturized Vegetable Protein and Roundup Ready Corn.

Chicken nuggets.

Yes. We’ve done it now. Chicken nuggets are uniquely American. Hormone injected chickens, penned en masse and force fed genetically modified corn (and previous chickens), peeled, liquefied, and molded into homogeneous pucks, breaded, frozen, bagged, boxed and shipped with neatly vacuum sealed freezer packs of corn syrup dipping sauce right to your door (not Prime eligible) just in time for dinner.

What’s more American than that?

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