How to be a Skier

December 13, 2016December 13, 2016 ~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

The topics covered here frequently assume a certain level of familiarity with skiing and ski culture, and I understand that this can be alienating for some readers in southern California, Texas, and New Jersey. This is not my intention. To appeal to a larger cross section of our Obviously-The-Best-Ever-But-About-To-Be-Made-Much-More-Greaterer Nation, I’d like to offer a few pointers on how to be a skier in the hopes that moving forward we can enjoy the best season of the year together.

Step 1. Talk Loud

The principle responsibility of any skier is to inform the people around him of his intentions. To do this most effectively, I suggest speaking clearly and audibly at all times, and especially when discussing the epic-sicky pow and how much gnar you will definitely shred this coming weekend. This is most effective in public trains, baggage claim areas, and bars with PBR specials, but is also applicable for fancy restaurants, wedding receptions, and first dates. Be sure to focus on what you’re definitely about to do, not what you have actually done.

Step 2. Dress Like an Aquarium Fish

Sometimes simply speaking loudly isn’t enough, or you’re too busy on the shot ski to state your shredding intentions. When this happens your clothing should speak on your behalf. When you dress yourself in the morning, avoid blacks, browns and understated patterns. Mauve is out. Earth tones are only allowable if they are actually digital camouflage. Goggles should be mirrored and imposing. When in doubt, leave the helmet at home.

Step 3. Go Fast; Huck Your Meat

It used to be there was a time way back in the day when skiing was difficult. The hard men and women of mountain towns across the world would tie themselves to a couple of old floor joists with leather straps, take a nip of schnapps, and point ’em downhill – damn the torpedoes. Simply surviving the run from top to bottom was a feat of strength, finesse, and emotional fortitude. A very few people on earth had the technique to make it look good.

tonimatt — Toni Matt knew how to be a skier.

These times are no more. With all the newfangled shaped skis and powerful boots, the equipment pretty much just does its thing. The skier is just along for the ride – no technique required. And so to demonstrate your superiority, it’s important to go as fast as possible and jump off the highest cliff you can find. Remember, no one cares if you land it. Disregard other, slower mountain users. If they were real skiers they would be going faster.

Step 4. Make Fun of Snowboarders

While you’re out sliding over snow with a board strapped to each foot, you may notice some jobless Communists out there sliding over snow with both feet strapped to a single board. Be sure to ridicule these people, they are of a lesser class. Everyone knows the only way to really enjoy sliding over snow is with two different boards. It is well documented in the that when people slide over snow with only one board it means their parents were siblings and they are of substandard intelligence and really they should feel lucky they’re allowed outside at all. You can’t argue with science.

Step 5. Drink Enough Booze

You can’t always be the best skier on the mountain, but that shouldn’t stop you from being the best drinker in the bar. To be clear- as soon as you’ve put on ski boots, you’ve gone skiing. There is no need to actually go outside. So take that shot of Fireball. Order up another bucket of PBR. Just be sure to talk loud while you’re drinking.

The Five Stages of Ski Season

December 6, 2016December 6, 2016 ~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The leaves have fallen, sweaters are banal, and pumpkin spice lattes are finally on the way out. Santa Baby haunts your local FM radio. You can simply exist without sweating through your underwear. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s ski season.

But it’s not quite that simple. Ski season is not binary. It is a process that each of us goes through once a year, and like any good story has a clear beginning, middle, and end. In fact the story arc of ski season can be summed up in five distinct stages.

Stage 1 – The Stoke

This is the time when you pore over Unofficial Networks for the first reports of snow on Beartooth Pass or Big Sky or Mount Hood. You spend hours comparing flex and sidecut profiles to pick your quiver for the season. You cook breakfast in your ski boots for no reason whatsoever. You watch and rewatch the best ski movies ever made. You pour a little out and maybe cry a bit for Shane, Liz, J.P., and the others. Your focus is singular: all you want to do is ski.

The Stoke might come during a really smokey July, or when the first dusting of snow settles on the horizon. It can last for months. A few hopeless addicts never lose it. But for most of us, this is the time we’re most excited to ski, and it comes before we ever step into our bindings. The Stoke is all about anticipation.

Stage 2 – The Junk Show

Here it is. You bided your time, and now you’re ready to get out there. Of course this is when it all falls apart. Sure, you had all summer to get those core shots fixed, and to replace that broken boot buckle, and to sew the giant gash in your skins. You had plenty of time to replace the batteries in your transceiver. But you didn’t.

You waited until the first day of skiing to remember that your boots, skis, poles, skins, shovel, probe, beeper, goggles, hats, gloves, buffs, good socks, and long underwear are scattered across storage units, closets, and Subarus in three different states. You may wake up on the first day of the season and realize you don’t have any idea where your skis are.

Rest assured that you’re not alone. You can count on someone in your group forgetting poles, skins, or boots on the first day out. It happens. The Junk Show is an essential part of ski season, and serves an important role.

When the group is barely capable of forward locomotion, it keeps the expectations low. It lets you move slowly and laugh and think about the snow. To dig around and get a feel for how the season’s snowpack is setting up. This is a good thing. Embrace it. The skiing isn’t any good right now and it might just save your life. This is also when you find that twenty bucks in your ski pants from last year, so, bonus.

junkshow — There’s skiing up there, I swear. I saw it on Instagram. PC: John Curry

Stage 3 – The Honeymoon

It’s on now. This is when you hear the most about skiing in public (during The Stoke most people tend to be more private). Stinky ski pants are common fare at the brewery during the Honeymoon, and some folks are starting to get goggle tans. It’s mid season and the skiing is pretty good. People still don’t hate shoveling out their cars and on a good day you can get away with skipping work.

Early morning alarms are still exciting, and the days are still short enough that you can ski dark to dark and still spell your name when you’re done. Any dilettante will tell you that The Honeymoon is the best part of ski season.

Stage 4 – The Sweet Spot

But you know better. The Honeymoon is great, but later in the year the storms hit harder, the snowpack is deeper, and stability gets better every day. At the same time that your neighbor starts tuning up her mountain bike, you’re still leaving the house early and coming home late. The best time to ski is after most people are burned out.

Your friends spend this time building their stoke for summer. Meanwhile you’re skiing steep couloirs and improbable pow days in solitude. Enjoy it. These are the best days. The Sweet Spot is yours and you earned it. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen.

Stage 5 – The Icarus Gambit

Of course all good things come to an end. Too often we don’t know how far we can push it until waxen wings melt in the sun and we plummet to our deaths, or something. Did you just spend seven hours walking on dry dirt to ski like 300 vertical feet? Are your skins caked in mud? Are you wearing only running shorts and a cowboy hat? Maybe it’s time to hang ’em up. Some people will try to convince you that skiing is a year round pursuit. Those people either a) go skiing for a living or b) are unreceptive of reason.

Skiing is great, but so are a lot of other things. Go for a bike ride. Drink a mint julep. Plant a garden or something. And for Chrissake put all your ski gear away in the same spot.

Is It Ski Season Yet? A user’s guide.

November 29, 2016 ~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time of year. The days are short, the nights are cold, and you just keep braising things. You sold the bike to make room for the wax bench. You bought a pass (or didn’t, whatever). For some reason your new goggles have a speedometer that talks to your phone. You’re ready for winter.

pioneertrip-3 — Looks like ski season to me.

But is winter ready for you? That’s the question. Is it ski season yet? How can you know?

Look Outside – Are the mountains brown? If so, maybe just settle for another pot of hot cocoa.
Check Instagram – The surest way to know if anyone is skiing anywhere near you is to check Instagram. This early in the year, you can bet that a single day of mediocre touring will yield dozens of chipper social media posts about early rising birds and worms and “the goods.” Be aware that Instagram should inform the earliest bracketing of ski season, and photos of skiing on the internet do not necessarily mean you should get out there. Beware of nostalgic posts from last year!
Consult the Roof Racks – If you’re still seeing a lot of bikes up there, it’s probably not ski season yet. When you start seeing snowboards, it’s time to think snow, but maybe not head out quite yet. Downhill skis on the roof mean it’s probably ready for you to get out there, and tele skis mean green light. Once you see nordic skis, it’s full on.
Ask Blake – He’ll know. Or, if you don’t know Blake, ask someone else. Chances are, you know someone without a real job or any kind of prospect, who just skis a lot. Just as likely, that person has been out already, regardless of whether or not it’s actually ski season. Ask that person. Then use this handy decoder to figure out how the skiing actually was.
Reference the Data – If you’re really curious about mountain snow accumulation, you’ll do well to consult the vast network of remote sensing data supplied by the good people at the Natural Resource Conservation Service. Deep in the SNOTEL database you’ll find a wealth of valuable climate information. Information so valuable, apparently, that the minds at our USDA have seen fit to bury it like treasure. Treasure that they hope is never found. The end-user interface of the SNOTEL service has about as much polish as a third place third grade science fair entry, but if you’re patient you’ll find some really good stuff in there.
This is definitely from this year. Definitely.
Go Up There – I know, it sounds crazy. But give it a shot. Just go up there and look around. Maybe it’ll be a winter wonderland, and maybe it won’t. At the very least you’ll go for a walk, and that’s not all bad. Don’t forget to bring good snacks.

The Only Thing Left to Do

November 22, 2016 ~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a weird month. It’s hard to remember a four week period marked by higher highs and lower lows. Fewer people thought the Cubs would win than called the election, but here we are. It’s left you shaken. Confused. Unsure that you still understand (or ever understood) the place that you call home. The only thing you’re still pretty sure of is that Rudy Giuliani and the sketchy dude from 300 are actually the same guy.

You’re at a little bit of a loss.

By now you’ve donated to the ACLU. You’ve contributed to Planned Parenthood, and the SPLC, and the Anti Defamation League. You’ve subscribed to the actual journalism produced by the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the LA Times. Lord knows these groups all need help over the next four years.

If you’re anything like me you’ve moved through Denial, Anger, and Bargaining; you’re hovering somewhere between Fear and Acceptance. It feels like the only thing left to do is buy a plane ticket to Portugal or something while we can still get into the EU.

Fortunately, running away to Europe is not the only thing left to do.

You can still buy a tart pan.

Look, over the next several years we’ve got a lot of work to do. But for two months we’re in an uncomfortable, sort of powerless holding pattern. In the meantime, you should probably make a tart or two.

I mean, a tart pan is like fifteen bucks. Tarts are delicious. You need something to settle your nerves, and folding egg yolk into molten chocolate is downright meditative. Chocolate not your thing? How about a frangipane and cranberry tart. Or a lemon meringue tart. Or a fresh fruit and custard tart. Even a quiche is kind of a tart, if you’re more of a savory person.

fruit-tart — Pulled this one from Sally’s Baking Addiction!

It’s not time to lose focus. You still need to keep pressure on your elected representatives to cautiously vet cabinet appointments. You still need to pay attention to actual news stories, and not the 30 second rotations of fluff that CNN prefers. You still need to get ready to register as a Muslim (because seriously, WTF). But you don’t need to go crazy.

Whether you’re a Hilary supporter or a Cardinals fan, the last month has probably opened up some fissures between friends and neighbors. You don’t need that shit. You’ve got plenty on your mind over the next few years without worrying about hating your republican uncle. Make him a tart. You’ll never regret taking the high road.

And hell, if the world does end in the next year or two, swing on by our place. We’ll be having tart.

The Real Winner of the Election

November 15, 2016November 15, 2016 ~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

You have probably heard by now that we recently had an election. The lady who was supposed to win did not, and the shittiest job in the world just went to the guy who seems to be realizing now that he never really wanted it in the first place.

In the waning hours of Tuesday the 8th, a bit more than half the country began mourning its loss. It was the second time in three presidencies that a Democratic candidate won the popular vote and lost the election at the hands of an electoral system that is unanimously regarded as obsolete.

The rest of the country, after a few hours of jubilation and hate crimes, started to lose a day or so later as our President Elect began to backpedal on pillars of his campaign stump one at a time.

It started with the wall, which by Thursday had turned into a fence, and by this week seems to look more like a policy of mass incarceration. Promises of getting money out of politics went by the wayside as he stacked his transition team with lobbyists. A week after swearing up and down that the Affordable Care Act would be repealed and replaced, he reneged to say that much of it was good, and it just needed some work (which, btw, is essentially verbatim to Clinton’s position).

He cried out to #DrainTheSwamp. To rid Washington of the establishment goons that have ruined America and replace them with fresh thinkers. Then he appointed Reince Priebus, literally the single most establishment Republican there is, as his Chief of Staff.

This year we watched everyday political attack ads devolve into the manufactured drama usually reserved for reality shows. We watched an incidentally uninformed electorate grow into a deliberately misinformed electorate. And we saw backpedaling from campaign promises reach cartoon status.

The American political system, in 2016, has become a caricature of itself.

There are, apparently, no winners in this election. No winners except for cynicism.

You’ve heard it. Clinton won the vote but lost the election. It was always rigged against Bernie. Trump won’t fulfill a single promise, but has stacked his cabinet with a chilling combination of neo-Nazi ideologues, anti-science scientists, and brutally efficient policy men.

Trump rode a wave of populist anger to our highest office, but it feels now more than ever like the will of the voters is unheard in Washington. This election dashed the hopes and dreams of half the nation that we would triumph over a divisive campaign and elect a female president. The first week of Donald Trump’s presidential transition may set the stage to dash the hopes of the people who put him in that office.

We’re facing, now, a 2020 election in a nation of cynics. Where the feeling of hopelessness transcends political affiliation and We The People disengage from the political process because it doesn’t make a difference anyway.

That will be a mistake.

In the same way that we need to continue to hold Obama accountable for campaign promises like closing Guantanamo, we need to hold President Trump accountable for his promise to fix national healthcare. His promise to return prosperity to the American Middle Class. His promise to get money out of politics. His promise to erase corruption from Washington. His promise to quash international terrorism.

The Candidate Trump made a lot of promises that we can all get behind, and he will take office on January 21 with a Republican controlled legislature. Trump has all of the momentum here, and if he can’t fulfill his promises to improve the quality of life of Americans, then it’s our job to find someone who can.

We do that by holding our elected officials accountable to the promises they made to get our vote, and by participating in every election (not just the ones with half billion dollar ad campaigns).

Mid-term elections are two years out. And whether you’re disillusioned by the results of 2016 or the flacid promises of a blustering showman, that’s the time to make your presence felt.

The Gentleman at Large

Keeping an eye on the forest.

Author: TheGentlemanAtLarge