Humor

Laugh It Up

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

For the last year or so, we have, as a nation, been collecting our old car tires and shop rags, and sticking them out back, sort of figuring we’ll deal with them later, at the next Hazardous Waste Disposal Day, or something, if we don’t already have plans. I guess we missed the last couple of HazWaste days. The pile was getting pretty big. The neighbors were complaining.

Then right around January 19th or so, someone flipped a cigarette over there, and the rest, they say, is history*. Our national tire fire as been burning at a pretty good clip since then.

I lack the space, attention and emotional fortitude to provide a summary of the unprecedented shitstorm that we’ve seen over the last month (these folks do a pretty good job), but we’ve got a few highlights. In the last 24 hours:

I wonder if there’s something to the idea of a career politician after all. You know, like, someone who knows how the government works. The President has consistently been baffled by the separation of powers, the scale of the United States Government, and his own job description.

Even if it’s the end of the world, it’s a helluva time to be in comedy.

Saturday Night Live is relevant for the first time since we lost Chris Farley. Late night talk show hosts aren’t quite sure how to handle all the material. Unique page views on this very blog have crept from “dozens” to “scores.” Even bathroom graffiti has moved away from racist epithets and ex-girlfriends’ phone numbers to something a bit more mainstream:

The times, they are a-changing

I’m not afraid to admit that this is pretty fun to watch. President Trump is failing at everything he was obviously going to fail at, and it’s terrific. The system built by our founding fathers to resist tyranny is facing its greatest test to date, and it’s not even breaking a sweat. The liberal elite smugness is rattling around the echo chamber and we’re all catching a bit of a contact high.

But then, I say this from a place of security: as an armed straight white male in a homogeneous western state. It’s pretty comfortable over here. And it’s easy to forget that as much fun as it is to laugh and gawk at this dumpster-fire-as-administration, this shit is very real for much of the country.

See because in the last week or so here’s what else we’ve seen:

It’s easy to laugh at the big stuff (like impending nuclear war) because it’s hard to imagine, and still fairly unlikely. But it’s easy to ignore what’s happening right now because it’s not on our block, and that is unforgivable.

So yeah, laugh it up. I’m going to. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer is objectively hilarious, and imagining Trump’s ire at being portrayed by Leslie Jones illustrates the height of political satire. But you’d better stay mad, too. Mid-terms are right around the corner, and it’s easy to forget that even clowns are scary.

 

*Assuming that “history” is still a thing after a few years of this whole DeVos nightmare.

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How’s the weather out there?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 2 Comments

buttecold

Lyric artist Temp? but really though?
And the weather is sizzling hot
Mister, pants for romance is not’Cause it’s too, too, too darn hot		  Ella Fitzgerald  100+  There is no hope.
 Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head  The Lovin’ Spoonful  95  Good god it’s hot. Like, have a mojito hot. Buy a plane ticket hot. Lock the doors and sleep in the basement until October hot.
 It’s so hot in here it’s running down the walls
And it’s dripping in my eyes from my hair
It’s hot it’s so hot		  The March Violets  82  Burn your pants, burn your sweaters. You’ll never be comfortable again.
  Lukeworm and hating it. Filthy and tepid. Filthy and tepid.   See The Light  68   Puddles are getting kind of scummy. It’s probably raining. And not, like, “Sweater Weather” rain. Crappy rain.
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour		 The Neighbourhood  55 Ho man. Sweater Weather. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. This is the best.
Baby, it’s cold outside. Frank Loesser  40  It’s not that cold. Not even icy. Get yourself home.
“It’s cold as ice.” Foreigner 32  It’s literally freezing out there. Get some gloves, and keep your ears covered. You’ll catch your death of cold.
 It’s cold here.
Sunshine falls like a snowstorm.
It’s only cold for me.
If I touch anything, it freezes so I’m afraid to hold your hand.		  Epik High 12   This here is your classic “Christmas Story” blizzard. If it’s too cold to hold someone’s hand, definitely refrain from licking lightposts, ski poles, ice skates, and anything else you might get stuck to. It’s super embarrassing.
 It’s colder than a well digger’s ass.  Tom Waits  0  Where you’ve actually been working pretty hard and even though it’s legit cold out you’re working up a little bit of a sweat (especially in the buttcrack region) and then your union break comes up so you crack your thermos with the Bailey’s coffee in it and have a seat and just, like, enjoy the damn stars for a minute but then you go to hop back up, to get back to it, and your swass is frozen to the permafrost. You know what I mean. The pitts. Really.
 Colder than a polar bear soaked in liquid nitrogen
Something like a tray of ice cubes		  The Palmer Squares  -23  Like, Butte cold.
 It’s colder than a gut-shot bitch wolf dog with nine sucking pups pulling a number-four trap up a hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a snowstorm with a mouth full of porcupine quills.  Tom Waits  ?????  This is real.

How to be a Skier

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

The topics covered here frequently assume a certain level of familiarity with skiing and ski culture, and I understand that this can be alienating for some readers in southern California, Texas, and New Jersey. This is not my intention. To appeal to a larger cross section of our Obviously-The-Best-Ever-But-About-To-Be-Made-Much-More-Greaterer Nation, I’d like to offer a few pointers on how to be a skier in the hopes that moving forward we can enjoy the best season of the year together.

Step 1. Talk Loud

The principle responsibility of any skier is to inform the people around him of his intentions. To do this most effectively, I suggest speaking clearly and audibly at all times, and especially when discussing the epic-sicky pow and how much gnar you will definitely shred this coming weekend. This is most effective in public trains, baggage claim areas, and bars with PBR specials, but is also applicable for fancy restaurants, wedding receptions, and first dates. Be sure to focus on what you’re definitely about to do, not what you have actually done.

Step 2. Dress Like an Aquarium Fish

Sometimes simply speaking loudly isn’t enough, or you’re too busy on the shot ski to state your shredding intentions. When this happens your clothing should speak on your behalf. When you dress yourself in the morning, avoid blacks, browns and understated patterns. Mauve is out. Earth tones are only allowable if they are actually digital camouflage. Goggles should be mirrored and imposing. When in doubt, leave the helmet at home.

Step 3. Go Fast; Huck Your Meat

It used to be there was a time way back in the day when skiing was difficult. The hard men and women of mountain towns across the world would tie themselves to a couple of old floor joists with leather straps, take a nip of schnapps, and point ’em downhill – damn the torpedoes. Simply surviving the run from top to bottom was a feat of strength, finesse, and emotional fortitude. A very few people on earth had the technique to make it look good.

tonimatt
Toni Matt knew how to be a skier.

These times are no more. With all the newfangled shaped skis and powerful boots, the equipment pretty much just does its thing. The skier is just along for the ride – no technique required. And so to demonstrate your superiority, it’s important to go as fast as possible and jump off the highest cliff you can find. Remember, no one cares if you land it. Disregard other, slower mountain users. If they were real skiers they would be going faster.

Step 4. Make Fun of Snowboarders

While you’re out sliding over snow with a board strapped to each foot, you may notice some jobless Communists out there sliding over snow with both feet strapped to a single board. Be sure to ridicule these people, they are of a lesser class. Everyone knows the only way to really enjoy sliding over snow is with two different boards. It is well documented in the that when people slide over snow with only one board it means their parents were siblings and they are of substandard intelligence and really they should feel lucky they’re allowed outside at all. You can’t argue with science.

Step 5. Drink Enough Booze

You can’t always be the best skier on the mountain, but that shouldn’t stop you from being the best drinker in the bar. To be clear- as soon as you’ve put on ski boots, you’ve gone skiing. There is no need to actually go outside. So take that shot of Fireball. Order up another bucket of PBR. Just be sure to talk loud while you’re drinking.

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It’s Like the other Tuesdays, but Different

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Hey y’all,

So . . . it’s Tuesday. And on this Tuesday, unlike most Tuesdays, the fate of humanity rests in your hands. Fortunately it’s super easy to stave off damnation for another four years – all you gotta do is vote.

And I know. Voting is hard. You have to take time out of your busy day to go all the way to a special place, and wait in a line, and answer a bunch of questions. It’s like going to Chipotle at rush hour only you’re still hungry after. And it probably doesn’t even make a difference, right? The lizard people call all the shots anyway.

Wrong! Sad!

It’s really pretty easy to come up with excuses not to vote, and so I’m going to go ahead and try to head a few of the popular ones off here:

  • They both stink! It doesn’t make a difference. – Ok so this is just demonstrably untrue. But there’s been a ton of lip service about the staggering differences between our main party candidates this year, and at this point nothing you read here is likely to change your mind. If you really believe that the candidates are indistinguishable, then sure – leave that bubble blank.

    Because here’s the thing – Google Analytics tells me that the vast majority of you, My Dear Readers, reside in Montana, California, and Illinois. That means that the presidential races in your state is probably pretty well buttoned up.

    You’re still not off the hook for voting.Down ballot races are way more important than the one at the top (especially if you don’t live in Florida, or Michigan, or North Carolina or something). Feel strongly about Planned Parenthood funding? I wonder how your state legislators feel about that. Fond of public land access? Jeez, maybe there’s a state supreme court or Gubernatorial candidate on the ballot who could really change how that works.And then there’s the initiatives. Legal marijuana! Weird shady tax things! A new school playground! This stuff is up to you! Remember Brexit? The Columbian peace deal falling apart? That shit wasn’t decided by elected officials.

    So yeah, even if you really can’t tell the difference between the two options for president, you still need to vote.

  • I don’t have time. – I know we’re all busy in these crazy days, but come on. You’ve got time. Americans watch between four and five hours of TV per day. We spend about 90 minutes gazing at our phones. We spend 42 hours a year sitting in traffic, and we spend at least a couple hours each day screwing off at work. If for just one day, you woke up in the morning and were perfectly efficient, you would have a brand new 8 hours to fill with whatever you’d like to do. Maybe preserving our democratic process could make the list?
  • What do you mean vote? I thought American Idol got cancelled? – You are correct! And I know you’re just jonesing to get all that vote mojo out. May I suggest National and Local elections? Warning – You cannot text your vote.

vote

  • Eh, fuck black people. And Hispanics. And women. And Muslims. And the disabled. And the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th, 13th, and 19th Amendments. And the Geneva Accords.  And the fabric of democracy. – I mean, I guess if that’s how you really feel it’s actually pretty hard to argue with.
  • I don’t know where I’m registered. – It’s cool. We have a tool for that. Click right here to see where and when you can vote!
  • There are armed white men standing outside of my polling place. – Yes. The “poll observers.” We were worried about those guys, especially after the Malheur Farce. The best thing you can do is call a local hotline to report voter intimidation. In the meantime, you can probably lure them away by telling them that you just saw a Bad Hombre trying to sneak into a voting booth around the corner.
  • I am still an undecided voter. – I get it. This election is tricky. It’s like being in a pizza place where the only options for toppings are anchovies and shattered light bulbs. You’re torn between, “ew, I can see its eyeball,” and “it’s possible I won’t die.” I guess my only advice would be to order the actual food, even if it’s not your favorite.
  • Shouldn’t we just be able to text our votes in? – Still no.
  • I am actually dead. – It never stopped Mayor Daley from getting elected in Chicago! Just kidding. Voter fraud isn’t really a thing. Unless you consider voter suppression and contortionist congressional redistricting fraud, in which case, yeah I guess.

So that’s it. You just wasted another 4 minutes of your day reading this post. Put your phone away and go to the damn polls. If you ride your bike there you won’t even waste all that time in traffic.

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Things We Can Agree On

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 1 Comment

The National Dialogue, over the last year or so, has been . . . contentious. A lot of us feel pretty strongly about more than a few things, and there’s been some awfully heated disagreement over foreign policy, healthcare, what constitutes a crime, and so forth. It feels like there’s nothing we can agree on. And so I’m pretty excited for November 9, when we can finally open our arms to President Stein and put this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad election behind us.

In the meantime, as two people collectively spend like $200 million in a week to scuff each others’ shoes, I thought it might be nice to focus on a few things we can agree on. Remember, we’ve got much more in common than we do apart.

  • Clear coffee cups are wrong – This is even truer if you take cream.
20161028_101132
The horror. The horror.

 

  • The left lane is not for driving – It’s for passing. And turning left. And that’s really it. If you’re over there for more than like 30 seconds at a time, you’re probably doing it wrong.
  • Airplanes are for silence – Unless the plane is actively crashing and we’re coordination an evacuation, there’s really nothing to discuss. Keep it to yourself.
  • Pie>Cake – “Cake” is a fancy word for flour and air.
  • Climate change is a thing – Look, we still have a lot to fight about. Let’s pull together on this one. It’s not something stupid like healthcare as a human right, after all, and just acknowledging it doesn’t mean we actually have to do anything about it. Besides, once we get on the same page here we can spend more time talking about that Walking Dead premier.
  • Toilet paper rolls over the top – Like a waterfall. If you’re in the loo as a guest in someone’s home, and they’ve accidentally loaded it upside down, please feel free to correct it. Don’t feel pressure to bring it up, we can all be forgiven for an occasional mistake.
We can all agree that's how it's supposed to look.
Correct.
  • Butter goes on the counter – So it spreads. If it’s warm out, I suggest a butter bell.
  • The whole “Rolling Coal” thing has really run its course – We get it, high school was awesome. That night you won state was like, the best ever. But there really are better ways to memorialize your fading relevancy than being this much of a twat.
  • No touching – There should be no bumping, brushing, glancing, shaving, or other forms of incidental contact between strangers at any time. Wait your turn. This includes concerts, shopping malls, mass transit, and sporting events.
  • Iceberg lettuce is a crime – It’s like slimy, perishable, packing peanuts. Advertising salad and serving iceberg amounts to fraud, and should be prosecuted accordingly. Enough with the emails. This is what true crime looks like.
  • Keep shit out of the hinge – If you borrow a pocket knife, don’t use it for spreading peanut butter. Or jam.

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