Miscellaneous Outrage

Dear Senator Scott Sales,

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Dear Senator Scott Sales,

We, as Montanans, have been observing closely over the course of our most recent legislative session. It’s been fascinating. Watching aging, independently wealthy white men argue is a time honored political tradition in our country, and I’m glad to see that you’re making the most of your twilight years.

As a cyclist, especially, I’ve noticed how much of your time in Helena has been spent on things like deliberately making roads less safe, cracking jokes, and finding time to get your name into some pretty ugly national headlines about Our Fair State. That’s certainly more than I have to show for myself. It really is impressive.

This year it started with your fierce resistance to expanding protections for road cyclists, but you really got a head of steam going when you described cyclists as “the most self-centered, rude people navigating on the highways and county roads I’ve seen,” and went on to characterize people who ride bikes as inconsiderate. This is all before drumming up a proposal to tax out-of-state cyclists as “invasive species,” which, let me tell you, that was a real knee slapper.

But so I propose, Senator Sales, that you have, perhaps, been inconsiderate yourself.

For instance,

You have not considered that “cyclist” is not an apt descriptor. Cyclists are not some phrenologically distinct subspecies of homo sapiens*. Cyclists reflect a cross section of humanity, and humanity is, as a rule, kind of inconsiderate. Ol’ Dave Wallace even took the time to assure us that we will worry less about what people think of us when we realize how infrequently they do. And when we’re in the midst of that great diurnal migration known as “commuting,” our collective concern for the feelings and priorities of other commuters falls somewhere just above our care for the future of Syria’s children and just below what we might like to have for lunch on any given day next February.

You have not considered that we, together, road users, really are just pretty lax in our adherence to traffic policies and legislation. That yes, cyclists do sometimes violate the rules of the road when riding, but that those same people violate the rules of the road when driving, and as long as we’ve got a bunch of rule breakers running around out there wouldn’t it really be better from, say, a public administration/public safety perspective, to have those people at the helm of as little kinetic energy as possible? And by the way do you really signal for three hundred feet before changing lanes? Do you know how long three hundred feet is? Also this one?

You have not considered, perhaps, that, all joking aside, you are the joke. Because I believe that you have considered the responses you would receive to your comments and legislative amendments – the frantic handwringing and letterwriting from the liberal set. That you, the president of an objectively low functioning state legislature, looked at a popular, bi-partisan bill to address very real problems with aquatic invasive species and saw an opportunity to fluster some Democrats in a college town. That this is the same thing as showing up drunk to an intervention, muttering jokes to your necktie and wondering why no one else is laughing.

You have not considered that “For Sales” bumper stickers, with proceeds going to Bike Walk Montana, are a way better joke.

You have not considered that we are, humanity, remember, tiring of buffoonery as leadership, if leadership is what you call whatever it is you’re up to over there.

But so anyway I just wanted to drop you a line, say hello, and let you know that your jokes are worse than that stupid fucking bolo tie.

Senator Scott Sales, everybody.

Please send my regards to Charles and David,

Sincerely,

Your Gentleman at Large

 

*also fyi phrenology isn’t a real thing which I really shouldn’t have to mention but given your stance on public education, higher education, science, facts, etc. who even really knows

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Preferred Communication: How to stay in touch

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

It used to be if you wanted to talk to someone you walked over there and talked to them, maybe over a woolly mammoth steak and our newly harnessed fire. Then after a while we started sending letters. Then the telegram, and the Candygram, and before long we had Tindr. What gives? It seems like everyone these days has their own preferred communication method, and they don’t always jive.

And so if you’ve tried to reach out to me only to find yourself without a response, I apologize first. And second, I implore you to consider my own preferred communication.

Coffee – Or a beer, or cocktail. Or a low key dinner. Not lunch. I still don’t know how to go to lunch, really. But yeah, let’s, like, hang out and shoot the breeze. Catch up. Have coffee. Let’s do it. Text me.

(Handwritten) Correspondence – It’s old timey and quaint, and anyone who tells you they don’t like getting a handwritten letter is a dirty rotten liar.

Radio – If you’ve got a radio, and I’ve got a radio, then hell yeah. I’d love to hear from you. That’s why we’ve both got radios! It’s like a spoken text message, or a phone call without all the horrifying small talk and pleasantries. You just get in, state your business, and resume silence. Just please stop saying “over.”

Text Message – These are pretty good, and there’s a reason that they’re basically killing meaningful connections between humans. You get to think about what you’re saying, and if you don’t feel like dealing with it you can always just pretend your phone was in the other room or something. But after a 6-text-conversation, shouldn’t we really just pick up the phone? And I’m pretty sure that when Sarte wrote “No Exit” he was actually talking about organizational group texts.

Bonus points for Signal.

Phone Call – There’s always a chance I’m going to not answer, and as long as you don’t leave a voicemail I’m comfortable with that.

Email – I’ll probably get this on my phone, and if it’s one of those long emails it’ll look even longer. My eyes will glaze over. I’ll make a point to read it later on the computer and get back to you. I may even do it.

The horror. The horror.
The horror. The horror.

GChat/Google Hangouts – Big time nostalgia on this one. It’s like the AIM of our youth but you can send pictures and stuff. GChat is great, especially if you find yourself in a job where you’re sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day.

(Printed) Correspondence – Pretty much reserved now for credit card offers and the IRS, but if your handwriting is bad, or something, go for it.

Facebook – Great for showering birthday wishes on people you knew from the old country.

Facebook Messenger – Facebook Messenger is technically better, than, say, a messenger pigeon. Yes I will see it eventually. Yes I will probably respond. But even then it will likely be to ask you to use a different medium. It does get props for introducing end-to-end encryption, though, which is one of those things we should probably be using these days.

Skype – I have Skype! I’ve used it! I don’t remember my password.

The Other Apps – WhatsApp, SnapChat, WeChat, KaKaoTalk, etc. I’m too old for those.

Twitter – I’m too young for that.

LinkedIn – I almost certainly have a notification from you waiting, but Congrats on the new gig, though.

Voicemail – Never. Never ever.

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Sports Fans, amiright?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

They’re all a bunch of hypocrites.

Clinton’s emails were a deal breaker, but Pence’s? No big deal. Her handling of the attacks on the American embassy in Libya were criminally negligent, but sloppy Special Forces work in Yemen is just business as usual.

We needed to get to the bottom of whether or not President Obama was really born in the US (a scandal!), but foreign tampering with a presidential election here is all a bunch of bunk.

President Bush was a war criminal, sure, but Obama’s clandestine drone war (that killed more than 800 civilians in at least 3 countries) was just good sense.

Then there’s the whole culture of Congressional discord where it sure feels like an elected representative’s only job these days is to keep the other guy from from getting anything done. Collaboration is for chumps! Even when both sides of the aisle take turns proposing, say, a carbon tax to shape energy policy, or suggest a wholly qualified Supreme Court nominee.

You know it’s almost as though those other guys, the ones across the aisle there? Your neighbor with the different colored campaign sign in her yard? That crazy uncle who always manages to corner you at Thanksgiving? It’s almost like they’re a bunch of low down, rotten, no-good-for-nuthin Cardinals fans.

sportsfans
Obviously a Jill Stein voter.

Politics in America today are at an impasse because political affiliation is less about policy than it is about identity. Small government Republicans should balk at Trump’s use of Executive Orders. First and Second Amendment Constitutionalists both pretend that their values are based on our founding principles, but limitations to a free press and limitations to a right to bear arms are protested by very different sets. And we’re as likely to change our crazy uncle’s mind about immigration policy with reason and discourse as we are to convince him that Mark McGuire is a rat fink.

Political identity is a cultural heirloom, based more solidly in social values than wonky policy debate and passed between generations. The blind political intransigence that we see today more closely resembles sports-fan zeal than a real interest in the issues. Civil discourse has broken down, and you’re as likely to change their mind on healthcare reform as you are to talk them out of being a Cubs fan.

The thing is, you’re probably wrong. You’re probably not wrong about everything, and yeah, that guy you’re arguing with on Facebook is definitely an asshole, but you’re wrong about something. That’s ok. Policy is hella complicated, and none of us understand it as well as we think we do, but two people reciting talking points from their preferred news source does not constitute debate.

So what are you wrong about? Admitting that Sammy Sosa was a roided out cheater doesn’t make you a bad Cubs fan, it makes you open to reason and evidence. Admitting that Trump’s travel ban or Obama’s drone operations are misguided doesn’t make you a traitor to your convictions, it makes you open minded, and that’s what we need right now.

So what are you wrong about?

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Laugh It Up

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

For the last year or so, we have, as a nation, been collecting our old car tires and shop rags, and sticking them out back, sort of figuring we’ll deal with them later, at the next Hazardous Waste Disposal Day, or something, if we don’t already have plans. I guess we missed the last couple of HazWaste days. The pile was getting pretty big. The neighbors were complaining.

Then right around January 19th or so, someone flipped a cigarette over there, and the rest, they say, is history*. Our national tire fire as been burning at a pretty good clip since then.

I lack the space, attention and emotional fortitude to provide a summary of the unprecedented shitstorm that we’ve seen over the last month (these folks do a pretty good job), but we’ve got a few highlights. In the last 24 hours:

I wonder if there’s something to the idea of a career politician after all. You know, like, someone who knows how the government works. The President has consistently been baffled by the separation of powers, the scale of the United States Government, and his own job description.

Even if it’s the end of the world, it’s a helluva time to be in comedy.

Saturday Night Live is relevant for the first time since we lost Chris Farley. Late night talk show hosts aren’t quite sure how to handle all the material. Unique page views on this very blog have crept from “dozens” to “scores.” Even bathroom graffiti has moved away from racist epithets and ex-girlfriends’ phone numbers to something a bit more mainstream:

The times, they are a-changing

I’m not afraid to admit that this is pretty fun to watch. President Trump is failing at everything he was obviously going to fail at, and it’s terrific. The system built by our founding fathers to resist tyranny is facing its greatest test to date, and it’s not even breaking a sweat. The liberal elite smugness is rattling around the echo chamber and we’re all catching a bit of a contact high.

But then, I say this from a place of security: as an armed straight white male in a homogeneous western state. It’s pretty comfortable over here. And it’s easy to forget that as much fun as it is to laugh and gawk at this dumpster-fire-as-administration, this shit is very real for much of the country.

See because in the last week or so here’s what else we’ve seen:

It’s easy to laugh at the big stuff (like impending nuclear war) because it’s hard to imagine, and still fairly unlikely. But it’s easy to ignore what’s happening right now because it’s not on our block, and that is unforgivable.

So yeah, laugh it up. I’m going to. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer is objectively hilarious, and imagining Trump’s ire at being portrayed by Leslie Jones illustrates the height of political satire. But you’d better stay mad, too. Mid-terms are right around the corner, and it’s easy to forget that even clowns are scary.

 

*Assuming that “history” is still a thing after a few years of this whole DeVos nightmare.

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Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

There has been a lot of talk about recommended reading over the last few weeks. “You should re-read 1984,” they say. “The President should read the Constitution, or the Bible, or one of his Executive Orders, or something. Anything, really,” they say.

But let’s be real. This is 2017. Reading? Really? Books? Sorry to say it, but the nerds lost. Books are out; I hear they’ll be burning them in D.C. this spring. Besides, the secret police are almost certainly staking out your local booksellers as we speak. Suddenly a stroll down to Shakespeare and Co. is a very dangerous thing to do.

No, ladies and gentlemen, for a cultural experience in today’s America, I suggest a film festival of classics new and old to show us where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re headed. And so with no further ado, I would like to present A Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse – showing all day at The Roxy Theater on the date of our next State of the Union Address.

Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse

Background Viewing – It is suggested that before the show you are familiar with the Star Wars and Hunger Games Franchises. Be sure to consider parallels between hegemonic American foreign policy and power distribution in the films, as well as the irony of rooting so passionately against the Empire/Capitol from the reclining, overstuffed Cineplex seats with a 300oz. Coca-Cola Classic and $37 buttered popcorn on your lap!

(1) The Interview – (2014) 1hr 52min – The Interview is a searing indictment of the state of art in the cultural landscape that was, apparently, ready to elect Donald Trump as President. Disregard, for a moment, the lazy writing and casual racism – this movie is objectively un-funny. It made this list at once to illustrate how low the lowest common denominator has fallen, but also to remind us that its unflattering presentation of Kim Jong Un likely precipitated one of the largest cyber attacks on American interests in history – at once an inspiration for artists to come and a stark warning about lampooning thin-skinned autocrats.

(2) Idiocracy – (2006) 1hr 24min – Mike Judge was eerily prescient in his pessimistic forecast of humanity in the 26th century. The United States is run by a professional wrestler, crops are watered with Gatorade, the population is rife with under-educated populist anger, and oh dear God I have to look away. President Camacho’s State of the Union Address is just a bit too close to home.

(3) Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb – (1964) 1hr 35min – The world has no idea that it’s on the cusp of nuclear obliteration. Kubrick paints a picture of blundering, insecure world leaders, fumbling through the motions of diplomacy as military leaders push us to the brink of war. The President is advised by a Nazi, and a paranoid schizophrenic hijacks due process. At least the movie is funny.

(4) Network – (1976) 2hr 2min – “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” A TV personality loses his mind on screen and taps into public anger from coast to coast. The network company exploits it for ratings. The rest, they say, is history.

(5) Red Dawn – (1984) 1hr 54min – The premise is pretty clear: America is invaded by the Soviet Union and a ragtag group of high schoolers stage a rebellion. I’m not sure what else has to be said here.

(6) V for Vendetta – (2005) 2hr 12min – A classic good vs evil story of an uprising against a Fascist state and the perseverance of the human spirit. It begins in a world with a censored state-run media, corrupt secret police, and perpetual martial law. (Particularly topical is the scene in which a late night sketch comic is disappeared after ridiculing the Chancellor [has anyone heard from Melissa McCarthy this week?]). Major themes include the great power of the written word, the ultimate frailty of an autocratic state, and Godwin’s Law.

(7) Mad Max: Fury Road – (2015) 2hrs – I  mean, given today’s rampant drought and desertification, the public’s apparent preference for autocracy over democracy, and the increasingly corporate ownership of global water supplies, this one is less “distopian sci-fi” and more “documentary” than most of us are probably willing to admit.

(8) Inglorious Basterds – (2009) 2hr 33min – Because while individual films in this festival may have optimistic endings, the trend doesn’t look good. Sometimes you just gotta kill some Nazis.

 

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