Dirty Jobs

You might think by the title that this post is going to be about cleaning out pit toilets by hand and roadkill taxidermy and stuff. But nope, just the opposite! I’d like to take a few moments to acknowledge the fact that armchair quarterbacking matters of national policy isn’t always quite fair, and that those rich white men in Washington really do have pretty dirty jobs.

Honestly, they’re the worst jobs. You have to be a special kind of crazy to sign up for that shit. I mean, you’d need the looks, wits, and charm to win over the electorate paired with the naivete to think that anyone even really wants you to change their life. You need to kiss babies in one arm and stab backs with the other. And all this while every aspect of your life, every stupid thing you did in college, is dredged up and put on TV for people to gawk at and condemn out of context. It’s crazy. Trust me, I’m an expert on this. I’ve seen Veep.

And so while being in high level politics is essentially the worst job I could imagine, like, in general, there are a few that really take the cake.

Senate Minority Leader – As far as elected Washington leadership goes, Senate minority leader is pretty cush. Usually this person has been around long enough to be fairly scandal proof, and they’re not really expected to get anything done. Just sit back, tell the other guy he’s an asshole, and watch the votes roll in.

House Minority Leader – A lot like the Senate minority leader, except where the Senate is mostly made up of adults, the House of Representatives is like a 435 child day-care with free Redbull and a puppy mill.

Senate Majority Leader – Ugh this guy actually has to do something. If you’ve got the majority you’re, like, expected to pursue an agenda. It’s the worst. Especially when the things voters wanted to hear in November like 2 years ago didn’t make any damn sense then and certainly doesn’t now. But so you beat on, boats against the current, and sort of try to get something done. Anything really. Like, if you control the Senate, and the House, and the White House, getting a bill or two passed should be easy, right?

Speaker of the House – Again, you’re dealing with real problems of governance, but doing it in a room full of shiny objects*.

POTUS – This is the worst job on earth. This person is ostensibly in charge of everything, but has like two actual tools: throwing a fit and signing Executive Orders, and the nuclear codes. Everything else is trying to build consensus among people who not only don’t work for you, but around half of whom actively work against you. Those peoples’ bosses/voters really only know you as “that dickhead in Washington,” and so regardless of the merit of any collaboration, the President is pretty much hosed. Of course sometimes the President finds himself with legislative majorities and still can’t find the light switches, which just goes to show that you really can do a bad job of a bad job.

White House Press Secretary – Ok I take it back this is the worst job on earth**.

*This doesn’t mean you should feel bad for Paul Ryan.

**It’s ok if you feel a little bad for Sean Spicer. As long as you don’t feel too bad.