I Love Craigslist - The Gentleman at Large

Several months ago I was indulging in one of my favorite morning rituals. I had a piping hot cup of coffee, and before the rigors of the work day took hold I spent a few minutes nipping at the crema on top of my americano while I scrolled through Craigslist.

I love Craigslist.

I wasn’t looking for anything in particular; I almost never am. It’s very rare that I buy something on there. But there’s something exciting about wading through tomes of other peoples’ refuse on the off chance that a gem pops up. It’s the same impulse that drove thousands of young men to California and Alaska in search of gold. It’s the same impulse that drove many of you to buy a Powerball ticket in the face of impossible odds. It was the impulse that brought me to The Patriot.

There’s a lot of crap on Craigslist. A quick search turns up old stereo systems and gaming consoles, parts of aluminum ladders, and a finger skateboard (remember Tech Decks?). There’s certainly no shortage of old, rusted, unreliable vehicles that eager sellers are waiting to pawn off onto the next unsuspecting sap. By all rights, a rust bucket of a ’97 F-250 and a much older camper fit that description.

Fist sized holes have rusted through the wheel wells and there are cigarette burns on the upholstery. The stereo doesn’t work and the brakes rub. The camper used to leak, and I suspect that it still kind of does. It smells like a $40 motel room. The headlights allow for a safe nighttime velocity of about 45 mph. But the tires are still good and the engine purrs, and for $1,500 it was too good a deal to say no. I scrambled out the door like the prospectors of ’49 and by lunchtime held the keys to my brand new home away from home.

This is not a blog post about the untold possibilities of life on the road or a buyer beware horror story of inherited automotive woes. There’s time for all that. This is the story of the more than 100 MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) that were stuffed into every cabinet of the camper.

The MREs were mentioned briefly in the ad, but the extent of their volume didn’t sink in until after I got home. Almost every cubic inch of storage space in the camper was filled with plastic packets of beef stroganoff and vegetarian omelettes, and in order to store anything at all I would have to get rid of the meals. After brief consideration it was clear that I had no choice but to list them to the Craigslist barter section.

I could have listed them for cash, or laid them in with the barrels of water and cases of ammunition that I keep in the basement for when Ben Carson is elected President and the Canadians take the opportunity invade. But that didn’t seem in the spirit of what I thought was a bonus to the camper purchase. And really, Craigslist is like a throwback to the markets of Constantinople with the database indexing capabilities of today. It’s the greatest social experiment of our time, if we only choose to make it so.

So here’s how the ad read:

100+ MREs for trade – all offers welcome (missoula)

I recently acquired more than 100 government issue MREs (by honest means, I swear!). At first I was just going to sell them, but then thought the barter section is a better bet.

Here’s your chance to stock the bug out bag, sponsor a boy scout camp out, or host the gnarliest eating contest the 3am paid programming slots has ever seen. you can even mail them to those knuckleheads in Oregon if you want.

Assorted entrees, all offers considered.

I think the typos really sold it.

It may be my prejudices showing through, but I thought that the kind of people who make a habit of perusing the Craigslist barter section and are piqued by more than 100 MREs would have something interesting to say. It turns out that prejudices are hard won. Here is an incomplete list of things that I have been offered in the last few days:

An antique Sears Roebuck chainsaw
Aluminum ramps for loading an ATV into a truck
A 50cc Suzuki motorcycle (ran when it was parked!)
Other antique chainsaws
Granite counter tops for my kitchen and/or bathroom
A large variety of firearms
A larger quantity of ammunition
Advice that my perceived value of the MREs is greatly inflated (with citations)
A 1991 Pontiac Firebird (engine and transmission are included, but not installed)
A mounted ram’s head

I’m very much looking forward to seeing how the rest of this plays out. And if you know anyone looking to trade in preparation for the apocalypse, be sure to send ’em my way, I’m still taking offers!