It's Not That I'm a Climate Denier - The Gentleman at Large

Look, I get it. Climate change is real. Humans are causing it. I’m not going to argue with that.

Because, I mean, any rational person can look at the overwhelming body of evidence, or at least listen to unanimous scientific consensus, and pretty much land in the same place, right? NASA, the Euros, everyone, really. We’ve got good people working on this. We’re on the same page. The climate is warming. We’re causing it. At this point “climate skepticism” is really just deliberate obstinance, like a toddler repeating “why?” ad nauseum.

So no, I’m not a climate denier, or a climate skeptic, or whatever. It’s just, like, you know, fuck everyone else.

By now we all pretty well know that transportation is the leading contributor to conditions that will eradicate marine life on earth, and don’t get me wrong, that sounds like a big deal. But have you ever actually taken the bus? Good lord. There’s poor people on the bus. Fuck that.

And bicycles seem fine, I guess, if you’re a child, or a peasant, or something. But I have a job, you know? Bicycles are undignified. Someone might see me. Besides, you would have to get up early, and going to the store to get a light seems like a lot of work*. Yeah, technically, the global hunger crisis is recently on the rise again after more than a decade of consistent decline, but bike commuting in the winter would mean wearing two jackets. Fuck those people. I’m not about to wear two jackets. It would look ridiculous.

It’s not that I don’t believe the climate is warming. That would be silly. I believe it, I do. But I work hard, you know? I’m important. When I need to be someplace I need to be there already, and when I need to blow off some steam then I do it. After a long week of blogging, or thinking about blogging, or driving too big a vehicle into a small parking lot, sometimes I just need to get away for a while. Reboot. Get some perspective. So I hop on a plane. Screw you. I earned it, and what am I going to do? Not go to Mexico for the weekend? You must be out of your damn mind. What would I put on Instagram?

It’s not that I don’t care about those people, I just don’t care enough to do anything. It’s different.

The thing is, I feel for those people who lost their homes in Houston and their lives in New Orleans. I do. But when I’m on a road trip and I need a burger, am I supposed to not get a burger? Do you know how that sounds? Sure, industrial agriculture and rain forest deforestation contribute to 24% of global carbon emissions, but it could take as much as thirty minutes to make a sandwich. And besides, burgers are good. I’m getting one and that’s that.

At the end of the day, it’s not my fault people live in Miami. That’s their bad, you know? I understand that my actions contribute to increased flooding and storms, but do they understand how depressing it is to read about those storms? Shouldn’t they just move? Like, we’ve made it pretty clear that climate change is going to flood their homes. That’s not in dispute. They should probably get out of there, because I’m definitely not going to stop hitting McDonald’s.

Just don’t come to Montana. Montana is full, haven’t you heard?

*ugh omg and then you’d have to charge that light, eventually. No thank you.