Man Flu: what it is, how to diagnose it, and avenues for treatment

DESCRIPTION

Man Flu is an affliction distinct to a specific subset of the male population, and is characterized by prolonged periods of woeful cries, scalding shower naps, and self-pity. Genetic sequencing has not been able to identify at-risk populations, although elevated occurrences of the disease have been observed among men who say things like, “I don’t really get sick,” and “allergies are fake,” and “just rub dirt on it.”

This strain of the flu is associated with subjective anguish that presents as far more serious than objective symptoms suggest is appropriate.

DIAGNOSIS

Man Flu is distinct from other strains of the flu. While influenza can be diagnosed by swabbing for antigens in the patients nose and throat, Man Flu tends to be be self-diagnosed as one of the following: The Black Lung, The Consumption, Plague, The Black Death, etc.

TREATMENT

The first course of treatment, especially in advanced cases of Man Flu, is for the patient to find something more pathetic and impotent than himself to share the couch. A pug serves this role excellently. In fact in many extreme cases the only thing more pathetic and impotent than the patient is a pug, roadkill, or Theresa May.

In the early stages of the ailment, soup is necessary. When congestion presents, the soup should be very spicy. If gastrointestinal symptoms develop there will be side effects, but that is a problem for later.

There is no cure for Man Flu. The only truly effective treatment is to lie on the couch and wallow in self-pity. The baleful moans of the afflicted must be within earshot of roommates and loved ones.