It used to be if you wanted to talk to someone you walked over there and talked to them, maybe over a woolly mammoth steak and our newly harnessed fire. Then after a while we started sending letters. Then the telegram, and the Candygram, and before long we had Tindr. What gives? It seems like everyone these days has their own preferred communication method, and they don’t always jive.
And so if you’ve tried to reach out to me only to find yourself without a response, I apologize first. And second, I implore you to consider my own preferred communication.
Coffee – Or a beer, or cocktail. Or a low key dinner. Not lunch. I still don’t know how to go to lunch, really. But yeah, let’s, like, hang out and shoot the breeze. Catch up. Have coffee. Let’s do it. Text me.
(Handwritten) Correspondence – It’s old timey and quaint, and anyone who tells you they don’t like getting a handwritten letter is a dirty rotten liar.
Radio – If you’ve got a radio, and I’ve got a radio, then hell yeah. I’d love to hear from you. That’s why we’ve both got radios! It’s like a spoken text message, or a phone call without all the horrifying small talk and pleasantries. You just get in, state your business, and resume silence. Just please stop saying “over.”
Text Message – These are pretty good, and there’s a reason that they’re basically killing meaningful connections between humans. You get to think about what you’re saying, and if you don’t feel like dealing with it you can always just pretend your phone was in the other room or something. But after a 6-text-conversation, shouldn’t we really just pick up the phone? And I’m pretty sure that when Sarte wrote “No Exit” he was actually talking about organizational group texts.
Bonus points for Signal.
Phone Call – There’s always a chance I’m going to not answer, and as long as you don’t leave a voicemail I’m comfortable with that.
Email – I’ll probably get this on my phone, and if it’s one of those long emails it’ll look even longer. My eyes will glaze over. I’ll make a point to read it later on the computer and get back to you. I may even do it.
GChat/Google Hangouts – Big time nostalgia on this one. It’s like the AIM of our youth but you can send pictures and stuff. GChat is great, especially if you find yourself in a job where you’re sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day.
(Printed) Correspondence – Pretty much reserved now for credit card offers and the IRS, but if your handwriting is bad, or something, go for it.
Facebook – Great for showering birthday wishes on people you knew from the old country.
Facebook Messenger – Facebook Messenger is technically better, than, say, a messenger pigeon. Yes I will see it eventually. Yes I will probably respond. But even then it will likely be to ask you to use a different medium. It does get props for introducing end-to-end encryption, though, which is one of those things we should probably be using these days.
Skype – I have Skype! I’ve used it! I don’t remember my password.
The Other Apps – WhatsApp, SnapChat, WeChat, KaKaoTalk, etc. I’m too old for those.
Twitter – I’m too young for that.
LinkedIn – I almost certainly have a notification from you waiting, but Congrats on the new gig, though.
Voicemail – Never. Never ever.
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