Not that long ago, not that far from where I live, our community was presented with the opportunity to fix an inconvenient and dangerous intersection. It had been rural, once, and in those days the knot of roads where an interstate off-ramp, two frontage roads and a truck stop parking lot convene could simply be left uncontrolled. The people just kind of sorted it out. It was nice.

But the as these things go more folks showed up and started living and driving around. We turned the lumber mill into a bitcoin mine and built a concert venue next to the elementary school, and eventually that inconvenient tangle turned into a deadly mess. It was time to fix this thing.

So the egghead engineers showed up with their graph paper and their slide rules and their pocket protectors and pretty soon were like, “Yep! The best, safest, most efficient thing here is a roundabout. No doubt about it. Let’s get to work.” And that was all well and good until it was time to spend a few public bucks on on a public infrastructure project and we had to listen to the public. Ugh. The Public. They’re the worst. Seriously.

Because what came next can probably fairly be described as a shitstorm. In coffee shops, public scoping meetings, and comments sections all around western Montana la gente was incensed. Roundabouts are just the kind of vaguely European improvement that comes on the leading edge of the Agenda 21 death camps and deportations, remember. Roundabouts are European. Mussolini was European. Do you really need me to connect the dots? It turns out that the only thing rural America hates more than a roundabout is Hillary Clinton, and anymore I’m not even sure about that.

And so sure enough the traffic circle was torpedoed in the face of overwhelming scientific consensus on the basis of what amounts to “I might have to learn something new and that makes me uncomfortable.”

Because the evidence is ironclad. Roundabouts are safer than traffic lights. Roundabouts are more efficient than traffic lights. Roundabouts are cheaper than traffic lights. Roundabouts can easily be built to easily accommodate large trucks. And to their credit, in my experience even the most virulent of haters will concede, when presented with the overwhelming body of evidence, that fine, sure, maybe roundabouts would be ok if only everyone else had any idea how to use them. It seems there is a problem of widespread ignorance in America today.

And so I’d like to take this moment, in preparation for the nearly completed compound roundabout [clutches pearls] in town here, to point out that roundabouts are not that fucking hard. Here are a few pointers on how they work.

How To Use A Roundabout

(It’s Not That Fucking Hard)

1. Slow the Fuck Down – Yes, traffic circles are way more efficient than traffic lights. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to tap the brakes. You will see the damn thing coming, just, like, chill for one goddamn second and slow your roll as you approach.
2. Look to Your Fucking Left* – Think of it this way: a roundabout is not an intersection – it’s a very tiny, circular, one-way street. So unlike an intersection, you do not yield to the person on your right. This is indicated by the triangle signs that say “YIELD” as you approach the circle. So look to your left. If no one’s there, do your thing. If someone is there, please don’t hit them.
3. Don’t Fucking Stop – But let’s reiterate that that sign says “YIELD.” It does not say “STOP.” So really, if no one is there just slide on into the circle. If you slam on the brakes for no reason you’ll probably get rear ended by someone who knows how this works. And once you’re in there, that’s it, no more stopping. You’ve taken the circle, it’s yours. Move along.
4. Get the Fuck Out – That traffic circle isn’t yours forever, though, so when you’re done just get the fuck out of there. Don’t let anyone else in. If they’re not in the middle part, they yield to you.
5. Use Your Fucking Turn Signal – No one is keeping track of where you entered the circle, and where you’re headed, except for you. So you need to let people know what your intentions are. You know, like any time you turn, or change lanes, right? RIGHT**? But here’s the thing, remember how it’s not really an intersection? It’s a tiny, cute, little one-way? There is no way to turn left out of a traffic circle (unless you’ve really fucked up). Once you are in the intersection the use of your left turn signal will serve no purpose but to confuse people and make them hate (and possibly run into) you. As you’re approaching your exit from the circle, throw your right blinker on and get the fuck out.
6. That’s It – That’s it. You’re done. It’s not that fucking hard.

* Well, yeah, this all goes backwards in the UK, Australia, probably Singapore or something, but let’s face it: if you’re really that worried about roundabouts you probably don’t get abroad that often.

**I digress.

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