Rules of the Road

Summer is fully upon us, now, which means it’s time to hit the road. Since its unofficial start this past Memorial Day, Americans coast to coast have begun taking to our highways in droves. Yes, it’s the season of the greatest American tradition: the road trip*.

But before you throw the kids, dogs, and lawn furniture in the Sportsmobile and hit the road, there’s a few things to keep in mind. The rules of the road aren’t all that complicated, but to avoid creating a dangerous situation or inconveniencing your fellow Americans there are a few things you should get in the habit of.
The Left Lane – Your fellow travelers know that left lane etiquette is about much more than highway convenience. It’s the basis of a political philosophy. Get yourself on the right side of history.

Sitting Shotgun Does Not Make You a Passenger – Sure, you’re not driving, but you still have a job to do. You are the navigator/DJ/caterer, and you are essential to a successful road trip. When you stop, the driver pumps gas and shotgun cleans the windshield. You are welcome to sleep but only if the driver is not sleepy. If you are both sleepy, it is your job to feed the driver coffee drinks and tell jokes. The road trip cannot happen without your help.

Watch for Failing Bridges – We are the richest, most prosperous country on earth. That’s why our roads, bridges, and infrastructure are flawlessly maintained and safe. Just kidding. They’re not. At all. We blew it. So any time you’re crossing a river or railroad tracks, be sure to have an exit strategy for if the road crumbles beneath you.

Distracted Driving – Remember, texting and driving kills. You should never do it. If you need to screw with a computer while you’re driving, make sure that that computer is a part of your dashboard. That way it’s safe to program a navigation system, answer voicemails, and pick a radio station. Using a computer while you drive is only dangerous if that computer is not a part of your car.

The 10% Rule – Every speed limit can ~~legally~~ ethically be exceeded by 10% but after that that’s it no more speeding.

Take What’s Yours – It’s your road. You paid for it, remember. With your taxes. So everyone else can fuck off. It’s your road, and your road trip, and your vacation. Never forget that. Take what’s yours. Whether you’re at a four way stop and you and the other guy got there at the same time, or your at a roundabout and you’re not exactly sure how they work, or you’re merging lanes on the highway – you can never go wrong by just punching the throttle and getting in there. Distracted driving is against the law, after all, so other motorists will highly alert and ready to adapt to your maneuvers.

Cruise Control – It is impossible to maintain a consistent without cruise control, so you should use it at any and every opportunity. Whether you’re rolling right along at 88mph, or crawling through the main drag at 26, cruise control is the tool for the job.

Plan for Media – Your summer adventure rig is only as practical as it is cool looking on Instagram. Does your milsurp MRAP get 1/3 of a mile per gallon? Who cares!? You can beat the crowds and, like, get off the beaten path. Sure, your perfectly restored 1964 mini-bus will crumple and drive your patellas into your pelvis if you hit so much as a skunk, but hot damn are you going to get likes on that picture of where you’re parked by that redwood and practicing some archaic campcraft.

*except for overthrowing democratically elected governments to benefit US trade interests, obvi