humor

Your Guide to the National Parks Centennial Celebration

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 2 Comments

You may have heard by now that this year, 2016, is the National Parks centennial celebration. The Parks are known as America’s best idea, and this hundredth year is the perfect excuse to tick a couple off your bucket list. You can count on meeting plenty of other people to celebrate with, so hop in the Suburban, crack a beer, and check out these tips to make the most out of your summer vacation.

Timing is Everything – You would hate to turn up in Rocky Mountain National Park and find it choked with smoke, or Glacier National Park only to find that Going to the Sun Road is still covered in snow. The best days to visit the Parks are Memorial Day and Labor Day, and of course the most patriotic time to visit is Fourth of July. I recommend that you pick one of these occasions to make it out. Ten million people can’t be wrong!

Drive Your Car – Most of these Parks are outside, and so you should plan on bringing your own roof, walls, and windows if you want to remain indoors. Riding a bicycle is both suicidal and un-American (there are maniacs out there!). The best, most comfortable, and safest way to visit your Parks is from the air conditioned cabin of an automobile. If you don’t currently have the high clearance, four-wheel drive, and integrated DVD player that’s required to safely traverse our American wildlands, be sure to check out this buyer’s guide.

Bring a Gun – Those of you who have been paying close attention know that firearm regulation in the National Parks was recently relegated to the jurisdiction in which each Park resides. That means that in most western states you can probably carry a loaded firearm without a permit*. I encourage you to take advantage of that God-given right. Always remember that bear spray is for pussies and statisticians. Real men know that safety is spelled, “three-five-seven.”

Lisa managed to get close to this noble beast, but not quite close enough to throw a leg over. It seemed poorly trained. Photo Credit: Tom Robertson.

Pet the Wildlife – As long as you’re sufficiently armed (safety first!), you should capitalize on the great opportunities that the National Park system provides to pet the wildlife. Herds of bison and packs of wolves in these Parks tend to be comfortable with a human presence, and will not run away when approached. This is your best chance to get a photo of your child sitting on a buffalo or having his face licked by a grizzly bear for the Christmas card. If the animals were dangerous, the Parks would have put up fences. It’s common sense.

Have a Bonfire – Nothing builds camaraderie and esprit-de-la-nature after a full day of driving around and petting mule deer like sharing a bonfire. It should be a real face melter, too. If your fire can fit into one of those flimsy little rings, throw another log on there. I usually bring a few pinewood pallets in the back of the Expedition to get the thing roaring, and then throw on any small and medium trees that are nearby. Evenings can get chilly for much of the year, so I really recommend late-July through early-September to get the most out of the day. Pro tip: Don’t forget fireworks for the 4th!

Bury Your Garbage – We really appreciate that you’re out enjoying your public land, but let’s be honest: no one wants to see your beer cans and used condoms floating in the Boiling River. Please bury your garbage. Remember that bears eat really weird stuff, and they might even want your bacon grease and old banana peels. To keep the wildlife from digging up your refuse, it’s best to bury it under at least six inches of topsoil.

Ignore the Rangers – You may find that the Granola Police will advise you against some of the pointers in this guide. Just remember that those jack boot thugs are the epitome of government waste and bureaucratic inefficiency. Please try to be polite, though, because some of them have guns too. This will be easier to do if you remember that they’re only around until President Cruz defunds the Park Service and returns our public land to the proper hands.

*White dudes only.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

 

Why So Angry?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 1 Comment

It’s one of those days. You know the ones. One of those days where you lurch out of bed to find that the hot water’s gone out, so you grit your teeth through a cold shower and take your coffee dry. Traffic is snarled and it’s that time of year where your phone rings off the hook with robots telling you to vote for the conservative alderman on your city council ballot.

It’s one of those days where you excuse yourself to the restroom at work, lock the door, and cherish one of those little airline bottles of Jim Beam that you save for emergencies. You haven’t even gone to the Verizon store yet. You look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “Why so angry?” between nips on that tiny little bottle.

Fortunately for you, my friend, smart, observant people have been wondering about that for years. Of course we’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but the pudding is murkier than that. Here’s a few rules of thumb for why you’re always angry.

  • Peter Principle – Employees tend to be promoted to the limit of their incompetence. It stands to reason that when a person performs well at work, they are promoted. When a person performs poorly at work, they are not promoted. This is a kind of conveyor belt to mediocrity. It funnels workers past the jobs at which they excel and deposits them at a job in which they don’t excel. And it happens everywhere, all the time. Ever wonder why you’ve never had a pleasant experience at the Verizon store?
  • Claasen’s Law – Usefulness = log(Technology). In 1969 NASA either put a man on the moon or staged the most influential hoax since those jolly pranksters pulled Jesus of a cave. Either way, they did it with the processing power available on a $3 pocket calculator. Now we all walk around with powerful computers in our pockets and mostly what we’ve got to show for it is an expansive character set of emojis.
  • Parkinson’s Law – The time required to complete a task will tend to fill the time allocated for that task. I got a call from a supervisor at work once. He said, “how’s that [project] coming?” I swallowed hard and replied, “IS IT DUE!?” This triggered a semi-pedantic conversation/lecture about the nuances of Parkinson’s Law which, in retrospect, is not one that I recommend having with your boss.
  • Hofstadter’s Law – It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. In conjunction with Parkinson’s Law, Hofstadter’s Law seems to cause a lot of stress.
  • This being an election year, there are a number of eponymous laws that seem particularly relevant. Of course if you notice a trend, it’s probably a product of confirmation bias.
    • Benford’s Law – Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available.
    • Cunningham’s Law – There are those who give and those who take. You can tell [them apart] by what they write.
    • Dunning-Kruger Effect – “a cognitive bias in which relatively unskilled persons suffer illusory superiority,” as well as it’s corollary that, “highly skilled individuals may underestimate their relative competence and may erroneously assume that tasks which are easy for them are also easy for others.”
    • Reilly’s Law of Retail Gravitation – People generally patronize the largest mall in the area.
    • Shirky Principle – Institutions will try to preserve the problems to which they are the solution.
  • Wiio’s Law – Communication usually fails, except by accident.
  • Hanlon’s Razor – Never attribute to malice what is adequately explained by stupidity. The silver lining in all of this is to remember that the world is probably not out to get you, specifically.

Nutrition Tips for the Dirtbag Athlete

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Many of you have made your way to this site out of a shared passion for being outside. We share a zeal for crisp October mornings, in light snow and in coffee before dawn. In starry desert nights, in finally sending your project, and in cold beers with good friends after a long day on the trail.

DSC05866
Fuel for the trail ahead.

But getting to the end of a long day in the mountains means, well, that you need to make it to the end of the day. You can have all the right gear and great fitness, but to survive a 10,000 foot day of ski touring, you need to eat right.

And in the spirit of the other week’s primer on setting skintracks, I’d like to offer a few nutrition tips on how best to keep your energy up for the long day ahead:

  • Finish your buddy’s breakfast – Nothing says “I’m really looking forward to having my life entirely in your hands this afternoon” like asking, “are you going to finish that?” while you’re topping off the tank before the trailhead. This is most effective after not ordering breakfast yourself, and mentioning that you ate at home. In the awkward time between the last refill of coffee and paying the check, start picking at stray hashbrowns on your partner’s plate and go from there.
  • Bacon by the pound – There’s a strong correlation between towns with good skiing and towns with hipster grocery stores. There’s also a strong correlation between hipster grocery stores and food buffets that charge by the pound. When confronted with a by-weight eatery, the intrepid dirtbag knows better than to waste precious grams on things like potatoes, condiments, and vegetables.
    DSC02389
    Pepperjack cheese is often overlooked as a staple.

    In Missoula, at the Good Food Store, the hot bar price is $7.50 per pound, regardless of what’s on your plate. Well, my friends, that hot bar has bacon on it, and bacon is hard to come by raw for much less than $7.50/lb. Load up on cooked bacon at a discount, and if you can’t finish it with breakfast, be sure to lay in stores of pocket-bacon for a pre-lunch snack.

  • Hostess – The great staple of poor athletes: Hostess. The first time I rode my bike more than 100 miles, it was actually 135 miles. I was about 19, inexperienced, and riding with much stronger companions. The only way I survived to collapse into my tent was with the gratuitous ingestion of Hostess Fruit Pies and gas station burritos. In 2012 Hostess Brands faced bankruptcy and liquidated warehouses of product. Those savvy consumers in the audience stocked up when the market was hot.
  • Gels – Gels go by many names: gel, gu, etc. They are generally vile, but do offer a couple of real benefits. They’re an excellent proxy for how tired you are; if the gel tasted good, and maybe you’d like another, then you are very, very tired. The marketing departments will tell you that their proprietary blend of simple carbohydrates and electrolytes is easy your stomach and will keep you energized to perform your best; the scientists will tell you that that’s what PopTarts are for. Never pay for gels. They can be found slowly coagulating in the bottom of of every 10k race packet on earth, next to the car wash coupons and safety pins.
  • PB&J – Gels can snatch you from the depths of hypoglycemic despair, but there’s a limit to what the soul can endure. Better men that me have been fundamentally broken by diets too rich in “sports product.” The bread and butter of the dedicated dirtbag athlete is, literally, bread and butter. Peanut butter, that is, with a little jelly and, (if you’re feeling fancy) some banana. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich is as simple and reliable as it is time tested. More first ascents have been powered by PB&Js than by any other food source[citation needed], so throw a couple in your pocket and hit the trail.
  • Michelada – The dreamers among us know that no today can beat the promise of tomorrow, and it’s important to be well rested and ready for the next big thing. For proper recovery, I recommend a specifically tuned blend of electrolytes, carbohydrates, and the anti inflammatory properties of alcohol: The Bud Light Michelada. It’s spicy, it’s refreshing, it’s technically got vegetables. You earned it, so crack one on the drive home.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

I Love Craigslist

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Several months ago I was indulging in one of my favorite morning rituals. I had a piping hot cup of coffee, and before the rigors of the work day took hold I spent a few minutes nipping at the crema on top of my americano while I scrolled through Craigslist.

I love Craigslist.

I wasn’t looking for anything in particular; I almost never am. It’s very rare that I buy something on there. But there’s something exciting about wading through tomes of other peoples’ refuse on the off chance that a gem pops up. It’s the same impulse that drove thousands of young men to California and Alaska in search of gold. It’s the same impulse that drove many of you to buy a Powerball ticket in the face of impossible odds. It was the impulse that brought me to The Patriot.

DSC06591
Just another reason I love Craigslist.

There’s a lot of crap on Craigslist. A quick search turns up old stereo systems and gaming consoles, parts of aluminum ladders, and a finger skateboard (remember Tech Decks?). There’s certainly no shortage of old, rusted, unreliable vehicles that eager sellers are waiting to pawn off onto the next unsuspecting sap. By all rights, a rust bucket of a ’97 F-250 and a much older camper fit that description.

Fist sized holes have rusted through the wheel wells and there are cigarette burns on the upholstery. The stereo doesn’t work and the brakes rub. The camper used to leak, and I suspect that it still kind of does. It smells like a $40 motel room. The headlights allow for a safe nighttime velocity of about 45 mph. But the tires are still good and the engine purrs, and for $1,500 it was too good a deal to say no. I scrambled out the door like the prospectors of ’49 and by lunchtime held the keys to my brand new home away from home.

This is not a blog post about the untold possibilities of life on the road or a buyer beware horror story of inherited automotive woes. There’s time for all that. This is the story of the more than 100 MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) that were stuffed into every cabinet of the camper.

The MREs were mentioned briefly in the ad, but the extent of their volume didn’t sink in until after I got home. Almost every cubic inch of storage space in the camper was filled with plastic packets of beef stroganoff and vegetarian omelettes, and in order to store anything at all I would have to get rid of the meals. After brief consideration it was clear that I had no choice but to list them to the Craigslist barter section.

I could have listed them for cash, or laid them in with the barrels of water and cases of ammunition that I keep in the basement for when Ben Carson is elected President and the Canadians take the opportunity invade. But that didn’t seem in the spirit of what I thought was a bonus to the camper purchase. And really, Craigslist is like a throwback to the markets of Constantinople with the database indexing capabilities of today. It’s the greatest social experiment of our time, if we only choose to make it so.

So here’s how the ad read:

100+ MREs for trade – all offers welcome (missoula)

I recently acquired more than 100 government issue MREs (by honest means, I swear!). At first I was just going to sell them, but then thought the barter section is a better bet.

Here’s your chance to stock the bug out bag, sponsor a boy scout camp out, or host the gnarliest eating contest the 3am paid programming slots has ever seen. you can even mail them to those knuckleheads in Oregon if you want.

Assorted entrees, all offers considered.

I think the typos really sold it.

It may be my prejudices showing through, but I thought that the kind of people who make a habit of perusing the Craigslist barter section and are piqued by more than 100 MREs would have something interesting to say. It turns out that prejudices are hard won. Here is an incomplete list of things that I have been offered in the last few days:

  • An antique Sears Roebuck chainsaw
  • Aluminum ramps for loading an ATV into a truck
  • A 50cc Suzuki motorcycle (ran when it was parked!)
  • Other antique chainsaws
  • Granite counter tops for my kitchen and/or bathroom
  • A large variety of firearms
  • A larger quantity of ammunition
  • Advice that my perceived value of the MREs is greatly inflated (with citations)
  • A 1991 Pontiac Firebird (engine and transmission are included, but not installed)
  • A mounted ram’s head

I’m very much looking forward to seeing how the rest of this plays out. And if you know anyone looking to trade in preparation for the apocalypse, be sure to send ’em my way, I’m still taking offers!

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

How Was The Skiing, Really?

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

This time of year ski conditions tend to be pretty variable from day to day. Where last week it might have been twenty below and windy, tomorrow it could rain to 8,000 feet. The snowpack tends to be a little thin, and weather in the valley is frequently wildly different from weather in the mountains. As the season is starting to ramp up, the quality of the skiing is kind of a crapshoot.

Because of this, most water cooler and brewery conversations starting around Columbus Day John Lennon’s birthday navigate toward whether you’ve been skiing, where you went, and how it was up there. This is a highly subjective kind of conversation. Some people are only interested in deep powder, others just like being out in the mountains, and others allow their definition of “good skiing” to shift with the tone of the season. If it’s been nothing but breakable crust for a month, after all, a non-breakable crust starts to look pretty good.

DecemberDowning-12

More often than not, it seems like people feel a need to justify the time and effort they spent to go find snow, which leads to palpable inflation in the quality of the skiing between the time your roommate took off her boots and the time that you met her for a pint. If you’re looking for a reliable story, you’re better off asking your grandfather about the biggest fish he ever caught than your buddy how the skiing was on Halloween.

What’s interesting about these early season conversations is how much superlative language is used to describe skiing that tends to be subjectively marginal. In fact there seems to be an inverse relationship to how fantastic the reports of skiing are, and how good the skiing really was.

So how was the skiing, really? Here are some helpful hints.

“Bro, so epic.” – No it wasn’t. Aside from being categorically wrong, it probably didn’t even meet any of today’s lax standards. The powder was not over their head. They probably hit a bunch of rocks. This person is really just trying to show that they’ve been out already, and have insider knowledge that you, the patient skier who approaches skiing by the season or by the lifetime, do not. Don’t sweat it.

IMAG0120
Epic, bro.

“It was awesome up high.” – It was pretty good, after a terrifying drive and a long walk. Worthwhile? Probably. The best skiing since last February? Certainly not. The season’s just getting going, but if you’ve got a day to spend sniffing around for a turn or two, head to the alpine!

“Not too bad, actually.” – Right here in an honest answer. Hit any rocks up there? You know it. Buried trees and willow? Yep. Carry the skis for a while before even putting them on? Probably. But way back there, the skiing was nice. Maybe they found an inch or two of soft snow on a rain crust. Maybe they found a few hundred feet of sastrugi to lap. Whatever they found, it scratched the itch for Thanksgiving turns.

IMAG0131
The dog prefers more of a supervisory role.

“It’s good! Let’s get out.” – No hyperbole here. Just an honest assessment that if there’s skiing at all, it’s probably a good way to spend some time. If it was all just breakable crust, this person would tell you about it. So go find your skins, change the batteries in your beeper, and try to get all your crap at least in one place. The next time this person calls, you’ll want to be ready to go.

DecemberDowning-3
How was the skiing? Just check Instagram! That’s sure to be reliable.

“Pretty fair.” – You blew it. The casual understatement. The humble nonchalance. This person had a damn good day, and you probably should have gone when they invited you. They know it’s a long season and it’ll be filled with good days to come, so they’re not going to rub it in. But let there be no doubt, this person found the goods, and probably only hit a couple of rocks.

At the end of the day, though, the only way you can be sure is to go out and see for yourself. Who knows? It might even be ok.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail