satire

How to be a Skier

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

The topics covered here frequently assume a certain level of familiarity with skiing and ski culture, and I understand that this can be alienating for some readers in southern California, Texas, and New Jersey. This is not my intention. To appeal to a larger cross section of our Obviously-The-Best-Ever-But-About-To-Be-Made-Much-More-Greaterer Nation, I’d like to offer a few pointers on how to be a skier in the hopes that moving forward we can enjoy the best season of the year together.

Step 1. Talk Loud

The principle responsibility of any skier is to inform the people around him of his intentions. To do this most effectively, I suggest speaking clearly and audibly at all times, and especially when discussing the epic-sicky pow and how much gnar you will definitely shred this coming weekend. This is most effective in public trains, baggage claim areas, and bars with PBR specials, but is also applicable for fancy restaurants, wedding receptions, and first dates. Be sure to focus on what you’re definitely about to do, not what you have actually done.

Step 2. Dress Like an Aquarium Fish

Sometimes simply speaking loudly isn’t enough, or you’re too busy on the shot ski to state your shredding intentions. When this happens your clothing should speak on your behalf. When you dress yourself in the morning, avoid blacks, browns and understated patterns. Mauve is out. Earth tones are only allowable if they are actually digital camouflage. Goggles should be mirrored and imposing. When in doubt, leave the helmet at home.

Step 3. Go Fast; Huck Your Meat

It used to be there was a time way back in the day when skiing was difficult. The hard men and women of mountain towns across the world would tie themselves to a couple of old floor joists with leather straps, take a nip of schnapps, and point ’em downhill – damn the torpedoes. Simply surviving the run from top to bottom was a feat of strength, finesse, and emotional fortitude. A very few people on earth had the technique to make it look good.

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Toni Matt knew how to be a skier.

These times are no more. With all the newfangled shaped skis and powerful boots, the equipment pretty much just does its thing. The skier is just along for the ride – no technique required. And so to demonstrate your superiority, it’s important to go as fast as possible and jump off the highest cliff you can find. Remember, no one cares if you land it. Disregard other, slower mountain users. If they were real skiers they would be going faster.

Step 4. Make Fun of Snowboarders

While you’re out sliding over snow with a board strapped to each foot, you may notice some jobless Communists out there sliding over snow with both feet strapped to a single board. Be sure to ridicule these people, they are of a lesser class. Everyone knows the only way to really enjoy sliding over snow is with two different boards. It is well documented in the that when people slide over snow with only one board it means their parents were siblings and they are of substandard intelligence and really they should feel lucky they’re allowed outside at all. You can’t argue with science.

Step 5. Drink Enough Booze

You can’t always be the best skier on the mountain, but that shouldn’t stop you from being the best drinker in the bar. To be clear- as soon as you’ve put on ski boots, you’ve gone skiing. There is no need to actually go outside. So take that shot of Fireball. Order up another bucket of PBR. Just be sure to talk loud while you’re drinking.

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Nutrition Tips for the Dirtbag Athlete

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ Leave a comment

Many of you have made your way to this site out of a shared passion for being outside. We share a zeal for crisp October mornings, in light snow and in coffee before dawn. In starry desert nights, in finally sending your project, and in cold beers with good friends after a long day on the trail.

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Fuel for the trail ahead.

But getting to the end of a long day in the mountains means, well, that you need to make it to the end of the day. You can have all the right gear and great fitness, but to survive a 10,000 foot day of ski touring, you need to eat right.

And in the spirit of the other week’s primer on setting skintracks, I’d like to offer a few nutrition tips on how best to keep your energy up for the long day ahead:

  • Finish your buddy’s breakfast – Nothing says “I’m really looking forward to having my life entirely in your hands this afternoon” like asking, “are you going to finish that?” while you’re topping off the tank before the trailhead. This is most effective after not ordering breakfast yourself, and mentioning that you ate at home. In the awkward time between the last refill of coffee and paying the check, start picking at stray hashbrowns on your partner’s plate and go from there.
  • Bacon by the pound – There’s a strong correlation between towns with good skiing and towns with hipster grocery stores. There’s also a strong correlation between hipster grocery stores and food buffets that charge by the pound. When confronted with a by-weight eatery, the intrepid dirtbag knows better than to waste precious grams on things like potatoes, condiments, and vegetables.
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    Pepperjack cheese is often overlooked as a staple.

    In Missoula, at the Good Food Store, the hot bar price is $7.50 per pound, regardless of what’s on your plate. Well, my friends, that hot bar has bacon on it, and bacon is hard to come by raw for much less than $7.50/lb. Load up on cooked bacon at a discount, and if you can’t finish it with breakfast, be sure to lay in stores of pocket-bacon for a pre-lunch snack.

  • Hostess – The great staple of poor athletes: Hostess. The first time I rode my bike more than 100 miles, it was actually 135 miles. I was about 19, inexperienced, and riding with much stronger companions. The only way I survived to collapse into my tent was with the gratuitous ingestion of Hostess Fruit Pies and gas station burritos. In 2012 Hostess Brands faced bankruptcy and liquidated warehouses of product. Those savvy consumers in the audience stocked up when the market was hot.
  • Gels – Gels go by many names: gel, gu, etc. They are generally vile, but do offer a couple of real benefits. They’re an excellent proxy for how tired you are; if the gel tasted good, and maybe you’d like another, then you are very, very tired. The marketing departments will tell you that their proprietary blend of simple carbohydrates and electrolytes is easy your stomach and will keep you energized to perform your best; the scientists will tell you that that’s what PopTarts are for. Never pay for gels. They can be found slowly coagulating in the bottom of of every 10k race packet on earth, next to the car wash coupons and safety pins.
  • PB&J – Gels can snatch you from the depths of hypoglycemic despair, but there’s a limit to what the soul can endure. Better men that me have been fundamentally broken by diets too rich in “sports product.” The bread and butter of the dedicated dirtbag athlete is, literally, bread and butter. Peanut butter, that is, with a little jelly and, (if you’re feeling fancy) some banana. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich is as simple and reliable as it is time tested. More first ascents have been powered by PB&Js than by any other food source[citation needed], so throw a couple in your pocket and hit the trail.
  • Michelada – The dreamers among us know that no today can beat the promise of tomorrow, and it’s important to be well rested and ready for the next big thing. For proper recovery, I recommend a specifically tuned blend of electrolytes, carbohydrates, and the anti inflammatory properties of alcohol: The Bud Light Michelada. It’s spicy, it’s refreshing, it’s technically got vegetables. You earned it, so crack one on the drive home.

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Skintrack Etiquette: a primer for the uninitiated

~ TheGentlemanAtLarge ~ 5 Comments

New snow means new beginnings. The tracks of last weekend are not so different from workplace angst; we leave them behind for a few days once a week to recharge and recuperate. A fresh blanket of snow is the incarnation of opportunity. You, the backcountry skier, are unbound by roads and trails, and have absolute power over where you go.

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The freedom can be intoxicating, but I’m here to remind you that with great power comes great responsibility. And so I would like to cover a few guidelines for skintrack etiquette.

  • The Skintrack* is an Extension of your Manhood – If you only learn one thing from this guide, learn this: The skintrack is an extension of your manhood. Not comfortable hucking a 30 foot cliff into breakable crust? That’s ok. Don’t quite feel like pulling 5 Gs as you carve out of that steep couloir? Don’t sweat it. As backcountry skiers we spend 90% of our time walking uphill, and so that’s clearly the best time to demonstrate our innate superiority over our partners.
  • Set a Steep Skintrack – You should always set a skintrack along the steepest grade possible. This is generally directly up the fall line, but occasionally requires short, squiggly switchbacks. Be sure to utilize every heel riser available and disregard the people behind you slipping backwards on the now icy track. Remember, setting a steep skintrack is a sign of unbridled masculinity, and it’s well documented that the steeper your uptrack, the more women will want to mate with you.
  • Never Share the Work – Breaking trail is significantly more difficult than hiking along an established skintrack. In some cultures it is considered acceptable to share this work, and take turns on the front. Well, my friend, some cultures approve of sister-dating and cannibalism, too. You should never relinquish the front of the line, as doing so is an act of weakness. If you bonk at noon and force the group to turn back early, that’s merely a show of your enthusiasm for the dawn. Good form.
  • Make Your Own – If you make the all too common faux pas of skiing with someone less manly than you, you may find that they set a skintrack differently that you might have. Best practices suggest that you should diverge from their path and set your own. This is the best way to identify yourself as an ideal mate to members of the opposite sex if you don’t happen to be currently breaking trail.

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  • Step on the Tails – Another option for demonstrating your superiority is to walk on the tails of the person in the front. Disregard the fact that walking in the front is much harder. Actually . . . don’t disregard that. Use it to your advantage. Be sure to walk on the ski tails of whomever is breaking trail. This will disparage their fitness and discourage them. When they step to the side it will allow you to regain your rightful position in the front.
  • Show up Hungover – Occasionally, you will ski with someone who is in better shape than you. Under normal circumstances this would be a sleight to your social status, and the best way to head it off is to drink 15 beers the night before you meet up for a big day in the mountains. A hangover is the get out of jail free card for a lackluster performance on the skintrack. If you sufficiently poison yourself the night before a day of skiing, just making it to the trailhead amounts to a victory over your peers. Nevermind that you’re a liability in the backcountry, those haters can only aspire to the glory of your single handed 1:59am Fireball shot ski.
  • Pee in it – The last ditch effort toward inflicting yourself on the backcountry experience of your party: take a piss on the skintrack. Sure, you could have stepped to the side, or at least pointed out of the way, but that’s the kind of move that Jack McCall or Robert Ford would have pulled. Not you. You’re a real outlaw. Damn convention; damn the man. You pee on that skintrack and let the world know that you’re a force to be reckoned with. If you do it right, they’ll smell the Hamm’s on it a mile away.

*Skintrack (n) – The route and means by which a backcountry skier or snowboarder ascends a slope. It is done by affixing climbing skins (originally made of moose or elk skin, but now usually crafted from nylon) to the bottom of the ski to provide traction against the snow.

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