Laugh It Up

For the last year or so, we have, as a nation, been collecting our old car tires and shop rags, and sticking them out back, sort of figuring we’ll deal with them later, at the next Hazardous Waste Disposal Day, or something, if we don’t already have plans. I guess we missed the last couple of HazWaste days. The pile was getting pretty big. The neighbors were complaining.

Then right around January 19th or so, someone flipped a cigarette over there, and the rest, they say, is history*. Our national tire fire as been burning at a pretty good clip since then.

I lack the space, attention and emotional fortitude to provide a summary of the unprecedented shitstorm that we’ve seen over the last month (these folks do a pretty good job), but we’ve got a few highlights. In the last 24 hours:

I wonder if there’s something to the idea of a career politician after all. You know, like, someone who knows how the government works. The President has consistently been baffled by the separation of powers, the scale of the United States Government, and his own job description.

Even if it’s the end of the world, it’s a helluva time to be in comedy.

Saturday Night Live is relevant for the first time since we lost Chris Farley. Late night talk show hosts aren’t quite sure how to handle all the material. Unique page views on this very blog have crept from “dozens” to “scores.” Even bathroom graffiti has moved away from racist epithets and ex-girlfriends’ phone numbers to something a bit more mainstream:

The times, they are a-changing

I’m not afraid to admit that this is pretty fun to watch. President Trump is failing at everything he was obviously going to fail at, and it’s terrific. The system built by our founding fathers to resist tyranny is facing its greatest test to date, and it’s not even breaking a sweat. The liberal elite smugness is rattling around the echo chamber and we’re all catching a bit of a contact high.

But then, I say this from a place of security: as an armed straight white male in a homogeneous western state. It’s pretty comfortable over here. And it’s easy to forget that as much fun as it is to laugh and gawk at this dumpster-fire-as-administration, this shit is very real for much of the country.

See because in the last week or so here’s what else we’ve seen:

It’s easy to laugh at the big stuff (like impending nuclear war) because it’s hard to imagine, and still fairly unlikely. But it’s easy to ignore what’s happening right now because it’s not on our block, and that is unforgivable.

So yeah, laugh it up. I’m going to. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer is objectively hilarious, and imagining Trump’s ire at being portrayed by Leslie Jones illustrates the height of political satire. But you’d better stay mad, too. Mid-terms are right around the corner, and it’s easy to forget that even clowns are scary.

 

*Assuming that “history” is still a thing after a few years of this whole DeVos nightmare.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse

There has been a lot of talk about recommended reading over the last few weeks. “You should re-read 1984,” they say. “The President should read the Constitution, or the Bible, or one of his Executive Orders, or something. Anything, really,” they say.

But let’s be real. This is 2017. Reading? Really? Books? Sorry to say it, but the nerds lost. Books are out; I hear they’ll be burning them in D.C. this spring. Besides, the secret police are almost certainly staking out your local booksellers as we speak. Suddenly a stroll down to Shakespeare and Co. is a very dangerous thing to do.

No, ladies and gentlemen, for a cultural experience in today’s America, I suggest a film festival of classics new and old to show us where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re headed. And so with no further ado, I would like to present A Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse – showing all day at The Roxy Theater on the date of our next State of the Union Address.

Film Festival for the Coming Apocalypse

Background Viewing – It is suggested that before the show you are familiar with the Star Wars and Hunger Games Franchises. Be sure to consider parallels between hegemonic American foreign policy and power distribution in the films, as well as the irony of rooting so passionately against the Empire/Capitol from the reclining, overstuffed Cineplex seats with a 300oz. Coca-Cola Classic and $37 buttered popcorn on your lap!

(1) The Interview – (2014) 1hr 52min – The Interview is a searing indictment of the state of art in the cultural landscape that was, apparently, ready to elect Donald Trump as President. Disregard, for a moment, the lazy writing and casual racism – this movie is objectively un-funny. It made this list at once to illustrate how low the lowest common denominator has fallen, but also to remind us that its unflattering presentation of Kim Jong Un likely precipitated one of the largest cyber attacks on American interests in history – at once an inspiration for artists to come and a stark warning about lampooning thin-skinned autocrats.

(2) Idiocracy – (2006) 1hr 24min – Mike Judge was eerily prescient in his pessimistic forecast of humanity in the 26th century. The United States is run by a professional wrestler, crops are watered with Gatorade, the population is rife with under-educated populist anger, and oh dear God I have to look away. President Camacho’s State of the Union Address is just a bit too close to home.

(3) Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb – (1964) 1hr 35min – The world has no idea that it’s on the cusp of nuclear obliteration. Kubrick paints a picture of blundering, insecure world leaders, fumbling through the motions of diplomacy as military leaders push us to the brink of war. The President is advised by a Nazi, and a paranoid schizophrenic hijacks due process. At least the movie is funny.

(4) Network – (1976) 2hr 2min – “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” A TV personality loses his mind on screen and taps into public anger from coast to coast. The network company exploits it for ratings. The rest, they say, is history.

(5) Red Dawn – (1984) 1hr 54min – The premise is pretty clear: America is invaded by the Soviet Union and a ragtag group of high schoolers stage a rebellion. I’m not sure what else has to be said here.

(6) V for Vendetta – (2005) 2hr 12min – A classic good vs evil story of an uprising against a Fascist state and the perseverance of the human spirit. It begins in a world with a censored state-run media, corrupt secret police, and perpetual martial law. (Particularly topical is the scene in which a late night sketch comic is disappeared after ridiculing the Chancellor [has anyone heard from Melissa McCarthy this week?]). Major themes include the great power of the written word, the ultimate frailty of an autocratic state, and Godwin’s Law.

(7) Mad Max: Fury Road – (2015) 2hrs – I  mean, given today’s rampant drought and desertification, the public’s apparent preference for autocracy over democracy, and the increasingly corporate ownership of global water supplies, this one is less “distopian sci-fi” and more “documentary” than most of us are probably willing to admit.

(8) Inglorious Basterds – (2009) 2hr 33min – Because while individual films in this festival may have optimistic endings, the trend doesn’t look good. Sometimes you just gotta kill some Nazis.

 

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

Eastern Promises from a President Elect

Welp, here it goes. The world is waiting on pins and needles to see what exactly is going to happen over the coming days and weeks as Donald Trump is inaugurated and his administration begins to take shape. This week represents a dramatic shift in US and World politics, unlike anything we’ve seen since, say, the 16th century. Although to catch a glimpse of what an unchecked Trump Presidency might look like, there is one other modern country that embraces his leadership style.

There is one country that always seems to overplay its hand. One country that has thrown caution to the wind and completely adopted a bull-in-the-china-shop approach to diplomacy. One country that is consistently viewed from afar as irrational, insane, and stupid, but keeps on keeping on day after day. There is one country that is continually dismissed and underestimated, but which has bluffed its way to a seat at the adults table. One country which, in the face of more or less global opposition, has staged three nuclear weapons tests in the last decade.

Donald Trump’s campaign has much more in common with North Korean leadership than terrible hair. It’s not a stretch to think that he’ll use a similar strategy as leader of the free world.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump acknowledges the crowd as he walks onstage for a rally at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa, Saturday, Jan. 9, 2016. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)
(AP Photo/Patrick Semansky) – photoshop work uncredited

This warrants a look at North Korean policy with the premise that the Kims are not fundamentally insane, but that the Madman (Petulant Child?) With A Bomb visage is carefully curated. North Korean leadership is, at the end of the day, acting in their own best interest by keeping the Pacific Rim in a perpetual risk of nuclear war.

Korea’s nuclear gambit pays off in both foreign and domestic policy, and we’ve already seen Trump borrow a play or two.

  • Domestic Policy – A state of impending war has, for centuries, bought any national leadership a bit of leeway with their constituency1. It whips up nationalist fervor, hardens The People to outside propaganda and information wars, and breeds a kind of stoicism to national shortages of things like food and energy.
  • Foreign Policy – By projecting an image of nuclear equipped insanity, North Korea has insulated itself from invasion. In 2003 President Bush identified North Korea, Iran, and Iraq as the “Axis of Evil.” We saw how that played out. American policy has, for a few decades at least, been to undermine or topple foreign governments2 that are both a) unfriendly to American interests, and b) unable to do anything about it. North Korea’s commitment to nuclear development and putative willingness to deploy those weapons has dramatically reduced the risk of Normandy East.

Now, does capitalizing on nationalist fury and my-way-or-the-highway negotiating to win power sound familiar? Donald Trump was never going to win an election based on his policy chops or command of the issues, but his willingness to kick over the checkers board resonated with an electorate that has grown cynical about neo-Liberal policies.

Importantly, the weekly gaffes and Twitter tirades that have typified the past year are not the random ravings of a madman, but a clearly effective strategy for overplaying his hand.

Looking forward to a Trump administration, it’s hard to imagine a change in tactics.

Part of North Korea’s success relies on a robust propaganda machine and controlled messaging. We see this at home in Trump’s efforts to fundamentally dismantle the concept of truth through fabricated news and a prolonged assault on the news media. His efforts to expand libel laws and weaken the First Amendment indicate a real move toward weakening legitimate journalism and strengthening his own propaganda apparatus.

Bluster like a Mexican border wall and weakening NATO works in two ways. It appeals to latent racism (white nationalism) that has been ignored by mainstream politics for a long time (but is clearly still central to the American Identity), and erodes global confidence that the world’s largest economy and military will act in a predictable way.

And the thing is, it’ll probably work. In the same way that Trump actually (sort of) won the Presidency and that North Korea still hasn’t been invaded by some Coalition of Willing partners, this approach to government really may benefit the US in the short term.

If we’re willing to drill for oil in National Parks, we’ll see an uptick in jobs. If we’re willing to upend a century of diplomacy, we’ll probably see concessions from our allies. If we’re willing to ignore the idea that some things are true and other things are not, then we’ll certainly be able to believe that our own Dear Leader has our best interest in mind, and that we really are great again.

The question, then, is what we’re willing to give permanently in order to believe that we’re doing better now.

 

1Of course this has also been a cornerstone of US foreign policy since at least the 1950s, although we’ve selected wars on ideologies (like Communism, Drug Culture, and Terrorism) rather than anything actually defeatable to prolong the uncertainty.
2 Iran, Syria, Guatemala, El Salvador, Lebanon, Cuba, Congo, Nicaragua, Grenada, Panama, Dominican Republic, Vietnam, Brazil, Chile, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria again, etc. – Any I forgot? Leave ’em in the comments!

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

It’s Like the other Tuesdays, but Different

Hey y’all,

So . . . it’s Tuesday. And on this Tuesday, unlike most Tuesdays, the fate of humanity rests in your hands. Fortunately it’s super easy to stave off damnation for another four years – all you gotta do is vote.

And I know. Voting is hard. You have to take time out of your busy day to go all the way to a special place, and wait in a line, and answer a bunch of questions. It’s like going to Chipotle at rush hour only you’re still hungry after. And it probably doesn’t even make a difference, right? The lizard people call all the shots anyway.

Wrong! Sad!

It’s really pretty easy to come up with excuses not to vote, and so I’m going to go ahead and try to head a few of the popular ones off here:

  • They both stink! It doesn’t make a difference. – Ok so this is just demonstrably untrue. But there’s been a ton of lip service about the staggering differences between our main party candidates this year, and at this point nothing you read here is likely to change your mind. If you really believe that the candidates are indistinguishable, then sure – leave that bubble blank.

    Because here’s the thing – Google Analytics tells me that the vast majority of you, My Dear Readers, reside in Montana, California, and Illinois. That means that the presidential races in your state is probably pretty well buttoned up.

    You’re still not off the hook for voting.Down ballot races are way more important than the one at the top (especially if you don’t live in Florida, or Michigan, or North Carolina or something). Feel strongly about Planned Parenthood funding? I wonder how your state legislators feel about that. Fond of public land access? Jeez, maybe there’s a state supreme court or Gubernatorial candidate on the ballot who could really change how that works.And then there’s the initiatives. Legal marijuana! Weird shady tax things! A new school playground! This stuff is up to you! Remember Brexit? The Columbian peace deal falling apart? That shit wasn’t decided by elected officials.

    So yeah, even if you really can’t tell the difference between the two options for president, you still need to vote.

  • I don’t have time. – I know we’re all busy in these crazy days, but come on. You’ve got time. Americans watch between four and five hours of TV per day. We spend about 90 minutes gazing at our phones. We spend 42 hours a year sitting in traffic, and we spend at least a couple hours each day screwing off at work. If for just one day, you woke up in the morning and were perfectly efficient, you would have a brand new 8 hours to fill with whatever you’d like to do. Maybe preserving our democratic process could make the list?
  • What do you mean vote? I thought American Idol got cancelled? – You are correct! And I know you’re just jonesing to get all that vote mojo out. May I suggest National and Local elections? Warning – You cannot text your vote.

vote

  • Eh, fuck black people. And Hispanics. And women. And Muslims. And the disabled. And the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th, 13th, and 19th Amendments. And the Geneva Accords.  And the fabric of democracy. – I mean, I guess if that’s how you really feel it’s actually pretty hard to argue with.
  • I don’t know where I’m registered. – It’s cool. We have a tool for that. Click right here to see where and when you can vote!
  • There are armed white men standing outside of my polling place. – Yes. The “poll observers.” We were worried about those guys, especially after the Malheur Farce. The best thing you can do is call a local hotline to report voter intimidation. In the meantime, you can probably lure them away by telling them that you just saw a Bad Hombre trying to sneak into a voting booth around the corner.
  • I am still an undecided voter. – I get it. This election is tricky. It’s like being in a pizza place where the only options for toppings are anchovies and shattered light bulbs. You’re torn between, “ew, I can see its eyeball,” and “it’s possible I won’t die.” I guess my only advice would be to order the actual food, even if it’s not your favorite.
  • Shouldn’t we just be able to text our votes in? – Still no.
  • I am actually dead. – It never stopped Mayor Daley from getting elected in Chicago! Just kidding. Voter fraud isn’t really a thing. Unless you consider voter suppression and contortionist congressional redistricting fraud, in which case, yeah I guess.

So that’s it. You just wasted another 4 minutes of your day reading this post. Put your phone away and go to the damn polls. If you ride your bike there you won’t even waste all that time in traffic.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail


 

 

 

Entropy at Work

Those of us who were born recently enough to only have followed the last several national elections may be forgiven for coming to the conclusion that our democracy is in the throes of unraveling, and that the Great American Experiment is, at last, a failure.

2000 found us stating that we were faced with the worst candidates in history. In 2004, we took it all back and declared that no, in fact, these were the worst candidates we’d ever been forced to elect. In 2008 the ascendancy of our country’s first black president gave rise to latent white nationalism from coast to coast, and was the most polarizing election in memory. The most polarizing election in memory, of course, until 2012, when the TEA party hijacked the Republican party and talking heads spoke exclusively in superlatives for like eight months. That shit was wild.

But then we have 2016. Holy crap. The world, it seems, is on the cusp of demise.

trump

 

This election cycle has seen the most inflammatory language we’ve ever heard on the presidential stage, and it has incubated the ugliest in all of us. The last debate nearly came to blows, the candidates finally resorted only to libel. The Republican party is actually imploding before our eyes, and zealots across the political spectrum are openly calling for revolution if they don’t get their way.

Isn’t it great?

See, our body politic is reeling right now, but there isn’t really any better way for it to unfold. What we’re seeing here is entropy at work. Entropy, remember, is that pesky tenet of thermodynamics that you heard about in college and forgot about as soon as f’ing possible. That tendency in a closed system to err toward disorder.

Physicists deal with it all the time in a candid way, but entropy is a constant in all of our lives. You ever notice how it’s a full time job to keep the kitchen clean? Or the bedroom picked up? How a clean house will apparently descend into chaos over the course of a week if it’s allowed? That’s entropy. And it’s at work right now in our body of representatives.

It takes an outside force to restore order. It takes effort. The Trump campaign is, like he promises (one of the few things he’s right about), well positioned to fix a broken system. He really is poised to Make America Great Again, the same way that months’ worth of moldy pizza boxes under the couch are poised to get you to clean the living room.

Partisan inflexibility has gridlocked Congress for more than a decade. It’s that ineffectiveness that’s given rise to a candidate like Trump. People are sick of that shit, and this is what we’ve come up with: a big, orange cudgel brandished at our representatives that they’d better get their damn affairs in order or we’ll give ’em more of this whack job.

I hope that the Trump candidacy is simply an indication that our national politics have reached a state of squalor unparalleled outside of Shel Silverstein poems (a garbage fire, in other terms). That it’s time, now, to clean our bedroom. To put away those dishes. To wash and fold those piles of dirty clothes. Unchecked, the state of things will always tend toward disorder and chaos. I hope that we can agree that it is time, now, for a reset. It’s physics, after all.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail