So . . . it’s Tuesday. And on this Tuesday, unlike most Tuesdays, the fate of humanity rests in your hands. Fortunately it’s super easy to stave off damnation for another four years – all you gotta do is vote.
And I know. Voting is hard. You have to take time out of your busy day to go all the way to a special place, and wait in a line, and answer a bunch of questions. It’s like going to Chipotle at rush hour only you’re still hungry after. And it probably doesn’t even make a difference, right? The lizard people call all the shots anyway.
It’s really pretty easy to come up with excuses not to vote, and so I’m going to go ahead and try to head a few of the popular ones off here:
- They both stink! It doesn’t make a difference. – Ok so this is just demonstrably untrue. But there’s been a ton of lip service about the staggering differences between our main party candidates this year, and at this point nothing you read here is likely to change your mind. If you really believe that the candidates are indistinguishable, then sure – leave that bubble blank.
Because here’s the thing – Google Analytics tells me that the vast majority of you, My Dear Readers, reside in Montana, California, and Illinois. That means that the presidential races in your state is probably pretty well buttoned up.
You’re still not off the hook for voting.Down ballot races are way more important than the one at the top (especially if you don’t live in Florida, or Michigan, or North Carolina or something). Feel strongly about Planned Parenthood funding? I wonder how your state legislators feel about that. Fond of public land access? Jeez, maybe there’s a state supreme court or Gubernatorial candidate on the ballot who could really change how that works.And then there’s the initiatives. Legal marijuana! Weird shady tax things! A new school playground! This stuff is up to you! Remember Brexit? The Columbian peace deal falling apart? That shit wasn’t decided by elected officials.
So yeah, even if you really can’t tell the difference between the two options for president, you still need to vote.
- I don’t have time. – I know we’re all busy in these crazy days, but come on. You’ve got time. Americans watch between four and five hours of TV per day. We spend about 90 minutes gazing at our phones. We spend 42 hours a year sitting in traffic, and we spend at least a couple hours each day screwing off at work. If for just one day, you woke up in the morning and were perfectly efficient, you would have a brand new 8 hours to fill with whatever you’d like to do. Maybe preserving our democratic process could make the list?
- What do you mean vote? I thought American Idol got cancelled? – You are correct! And I know you’re just jonesing to get all that vote mojo out. May I suggest National and Local elections? Warning – You cannot text your vote.
- Eh, fuck black people. And Hispanics. And women. And Muslims. And the disabled. And the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th, 13th, and 19th Amendments. And the Geneva Accords. And the fabric of democracy. – I mean, I guess if that’s how you really feel it’s actually pretty hard to argue with.
- I don’t know where I’m registered. – It’s cool. We have a tool for that. Click right here to see where and when you can vote!
- There are armed white men standing outside of my polling place. – Yes. The “poll observers.” We were worried about those guys, especially after the Malheur Farce. The best thing you can do is call a local hotline to report voter intimidation. In the meantime, you can probably lure them away by telling them that you just saw a Bad Hombre trying to sneak into a voting booth around the corner.
- I am still an undecided voter. – I get it. This election is tricky. It’s like being in a pizza place where the only options for toppings are anchovies and shattered light bulbs. You’re torn between, “ew, I can see its eyeball,” and “it’s possible I won’t die.” I guess my only advice would be to order the actual food, even if it’s not your favorite.
- Shouldn’t we just be able to text our votes in? – Still no.
- I am actually dead. – It never stopped Mayor Daley from getting elected in Chicago! Just kidding. Voter fraud isn’t really a thing. Unless you consider voter suppression and contortionist congressional redistricting fraud, in which case, yeah I guess.
So that’s it. You just wasted another 4 minutes of your day reading this post. Put your phone away and go to the damn polls. If you ride your bike there you won’t even waste all that time in traffic.