You’ve done it. You’ve survived Thanksgiving, and the very last bites of your holiday turkey are slowly going rancid in the refrigerator. A few crumbs of pumpkin pie are brown and solid on the counter, half-covered by hastily replaced tinfoil since November 29th, and the wounds of clumsy dinnertime faux pas are slowly beginning to heal.
You have braved the wilds of Black Friday, presented alms of charity to booksellers and candle stores on Small Business Saturday, and delved back into the hedonistic nihilism of Cyber Monday Week. You gave heartily on #GivingTuesday, and are ready, now, to embrace the real Christmas shopping challenge of the season.
We each have, in our lives, that person for whom it is simply impossible to buy. That person so immersed in material wealth or anhedonic gloom that each year no matter how you toil over what might make them smile, you fall short. You are confronted by the overwrought grin (is it too toothy? not toothy enough?) and feigned surprise that are, quite simply, the hallmark of a gift falling flat. You know this. You are accustomed to this. You are ready for a change.
And so I present to you now the gift giving guide for the person who has it all. Christmas shopping made easy, for the impossible recipient.
A Second First Impression – We have all blown it at least once or twice. You know, when you were just a little too drunk when you met a girlfriend’s parents for the first time, or thought for sure that Jehovah’s Witness joke would land in a job interview. This year, give that person in your life the chance to make a second first impression. It’s one thing you can be sure they don’t already have.
A 25th Hour – One simply cannot get all the things done in a day that one must. 24 hours simply not enough. This year give the gift of opportunity – a 25th hour in each day with which to master an industry, triumph over an opponent, or veg out and watch reruns of Quantum Leap. The gift of time provides infinite possibilities.
The Souls of His Enemies – Or her enemies. You don’t have it all without also having a few enemies.
Delete One Voicemail – Bonus points if you can also un-send one email, obviously. Like the second first impression, but also useful for when you known someone well, but perhaps not as well as you thought. Whether it’s one e-mail forward too far, a joke you didn’t know was racist, or simply an accidental “reply all,” everyone could do with taking back an email now and again.
The Perfect Socks – This person has everything, but you can never have enough socks that are just right. You know, with a little bit of padding but not too much. The gentle embrace of the ideal amount of spandex. Merino wool, obviously, or Alpaca fiber. Soft, warm-but-not-cloying, snug-but-not-tight, perfect, really.
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