Facts About Canada

Recently, a petition circulated the internet, suggesting that the United States could easily take a big bite out of our ballooning Federal debt by liquidating some latent assets. Specifically, the petition suggests that Montana could be sold to Canada for a cool trillion dollars. It’s unclear whether this is USD or CAD, which is, what, like a few hundred grand?

As you might expect this proposal was met with mixed reviews, although most Montana residents I spoke with were ready to take the leap. It gave me reason for reflection that I have never really explored the Great White North, and it seemed like a good chance to visit Canada and learn a bit more. It has been illuminating, and quite frankly I’m on board. Let’s have a look.

Facts About Canada

Canada is sort of like if the United States and France got pretty drunk at a company holiday party and accidentally had a kid. They tried to stay together for a while, you know, for the kid, but it didn’t really work out and now the child has an aching guilt that it (Canada, here) was maybe responsible. This explains why Canadians are always apologizing.

Contrary to popular belief, Canada has been here for a long time. In fact, it is nearly 6,000 years old. They just didn’t tell anyone.

Canadian dollars are valuable to Canadians.

The mountains here are very real.

Tim Horton’s is much more exciting to non-Canadians than it is to Canadians. This is the opposite of In-n-Out Burger, which people from California love and no one else can figure out why.

The mountains here are very real, and you can just drive right up to them.

Canadian truck drivers do not care about your feelings, but every other Canadian does.

There are many jokes about Canada, Canadians, etc. (Sorry!) The only jokes about Americans are covered daily in the Washington Post.

There is a strange sense or communal understanding that it would be very uncommon, tragic, and out-of-character to be shot at in a public space. It’s almost as though Canadians have collectively shrugged and just, like, decided they don’t need to shoot at each other all the time. It’s odd. I’ll report back when I learn more, but some cultural differences can only be explained by the fact that it is a foreign country.

Have I mentioned that the mountains are very real?

You can get by with only English, no French necessary!

Poutine is a thing and it is french fries, cheese curds, and gravy. Somehow this existed before they legalized recreational marijuana.

So let’s put a band aid on this national debt, eh? I say sell!