More and more the US political landscape resembles a kind of bizarro-fantasy world of backstabbing, intrigue, and high drama. It can be hard to keep straight whom we’re cheering for, whom we’re cheering against, and who even still has their head. (Who’s the Secretary of State, Defense, and Interior now? I would actually have to Google that).
And so I think it will be helpful to connect the dots to everyone’s favorite children’s show, Game of Thrones, to keep things straight. If I’ve missed the mark to let me know – still searching for Tyrion . . .
Game of Thrones Characters in Real Life
(if we can call this real life)
Joffrey Baratheon is Donald Trump – Because obviously. Have you seen this new crossbow? It’s the best crossbow. He has all the best crossbows.
Tommen Baratheon is Barron Trump – Again, you know, obviously.
Cersei Lannister is Mike Pence – Always lurking in the background, pulling the strings he can. Of course the King is the King, and won’t be controlled all the time.
Jaime Lannister is Ivanka Trump – She’s pretty hard to feel sorry for, but ever so often there’s a glimmer of dignity and grace. I love the idea of redemption here, but I need to see some effort. King Slayer’s gonna slay?
Margaery Tyrell is Steve Bannon – A master manipulator of the king. Not long for this world.
Lord Varys is Lindsey Graham – He’s been around as long as the kingdom itself, and does what he needs to do to stay relevant. He’s got a keen sense for the political winds, and will probably make it through just fine as long as he can live with himself.
The Minstrel Guy Who Sings The Wrong Song And Then Joffrey Has His Tongue Cut Out is Chris Christie.
Petyr Baelish is Stephen Miller – A tactical and strategic genius, and wildly ambitious. He’s never far from the king and has a knack for staying in the game. Objectively a bad person. “He would watch the kingdom burn if he could be the king of the ashes.”
Grand Maester Pycelle is Sebastian Gorka – Full of stories. Documented mouth-breather. Has he been stabbed by children yet?
Sir Gregor Clegane is Fox News. You don’t fuck with Fox News. Fox News will crush your skull.
Robb Stark is Beto O’Rourke – Had a good run early on, but it went to his head a bit. You don’t want to be too big for your britches, do you? Patience, bro. Patience.
Arya Stark is Glenn Greenwald – She’s got a bit of tunnel vision, sure, but punches well above her weight. You don’t want to find yourself on her list.
Sansa Stark is Elizabeth Warren – She’s had her ups and downs, and been treated cruelly by the King and his Court. But she’s got a head for this, and shit who knows? She could run this place.
The White Walkers are Bernie Bros – Dudes only, very white. Initially a pretty good idea for protecting the helpless against the powerful, but now march onward in dead-eyed obedience to the Night King. Just hope they don’t get a fundraising dragon.
The Night King is Bernie Sanders – Is he a hero or a villain? That’s a good question. We’ll have to watch next season and find out.
Night’s Watch is The Progressive Left – Really between a rock and a hard place here. Sworn to protect the realm against the army to the north, but then again the kingdom really kind of needs to be saved from itself, too, doesn’t it?
Wildlings are Millennials – A rag tag bunch of bearded young people who don’t own property. They’d be a real force in the world if they’d just get their shit together.
Jon Snow is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – Leader of the Night’s Watch and a voice to unite the Wildlings. Still has one get-out-of-dead-free card, too.
Craster is Ted Cruz – No one likes him, but they keep him around because, well, it’s cold outside, I guess. Definitely a creeper. Not a popular man.
Ramsey Bolton is Alex Jones/Rush Limbaugh – What happened to you? Why are you like this?
Ned Stark is Howard Dean – Good guy. Really could have gone places, but picked the wrong hill to die on. Sorry dude.
Daenerys Targaryen is Hilary Clinton – She’s got an army of fundraising dragons and won’t stop until she has claimed her birthright on the throne.
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